I thought I'd be happy (IV)

The truth is I haven't been happy for far too long. I've forgotten how to be happy and how to show it. I've always had difficulty expressing emotions. Over the years it got worse. Sometimes I act like a robot my colleagues say.

The last few years have been emotionally draining. I want to move past them like they never happened, but I need more time to adjust. You don't move past years of problems and suddenly be a totally different person.

After I've finally gotten over the Percy thing - it's still a little awkward for me - Cory is trying the exact same thing like Percy. He pretends to be into me, when he actually isn't. The only difference is he is way more dramatic and over-the-top than Percy, but they all are fake in the same way. What I hate is that they know how unhappy and vulnerable I am. People who still try to pull off this crap are plain mean and self-absorbed. Before this Percy crap happened I wasn't exactly happy, but I was fine. Why can't they just leave me alone.

Cory is even worse. He thinks he can increase his popularity by telling both Sid and me bullshit like "You're my favorite. I don't get why people appreciate the other girl more than you, you've done so much for all of us. Obviously I like you the most." Cory is the worst, because this might create tension between some of the girls at work.

Yesterday the Asian guys and I went shopping in Ingolstadt Village. Sometimes it feels like Mickey does like me a little, even though he has a gf. We all got separated in different stores several times, Mickey always made sure to find me again. On our ride home, Mickey was the only one who stayed awake to keep me company. After I dropped the guys off at the dorm, I went to get a cup of coffee in the kitchen. Mickey came looking for me. As the others started playing cards, Mickey ran after me to my car and gave me some Asian snacks.

I do get a little sad when someone mentions his gf. But I know we wouldn't work anyway. We might live together in the dorm next year. It would be crazy to endanger the thing that we got going. I don't even know for sure if there is anything there. It's probably nothing and not even worth mentioning.

Are you for real

I have known all along that people like Cory or Percy didn't give a crap about me. Once I accepted things how they really were, they didn't seem so bad anymore.

I am all for learning how to deal with and embrace these things. In the past I would've felt hurt and stupid. But honestly, people most likely weren't even trying to hurt or make me feel stupid on purpose. I've never been that important and definitely not worth the time or energy.

Cory thinks of himself as the real deal. All I see is a person who hands out compliments like candy on Halloween, makes promises he can't keep (for no apparent reason) and isn't that reliable as he claims to be. He thinks he is doing well and getting along with lots of people. Most importantly, he believes that he comes across as a no BS kind of guy. It's good to be on good terms with a Cory guy on a business level, he's everybody's darling and America's sweetheart (if only we were living in America). But it's all a waste of time on a personal level. He is the kind of friend that always suggests to do something, but never actually makes it. That's Cory. He's the real deal.

Percy knew he wasn't a good person. Somehow he created this whole other persona just for work purposes. People think he is one decent, boring and very black-and-white person. He goes to great lengths to be someone else on a daily basis, I can't even begin to understand how much determination and focus that requires. I think he is doing an excellent job at being someone else, but I haven't known him that long. If Brent and Killian haven't figured him out in five years, then he is better than I thought, and even more troubled.

Percy is a guy who has reached midlife crisis in his early 30s. He needs some sort of validation in terms of attention from a girl like me, because he isn't satisfied with how life has turned out. He also knows he doesn't have the guts to do anything about it. In order to keep the admiration going, every now and then he sends nice texts and promises he knows he can't keep. It's also good to be on good terms with a Percy guy on a business level. You know you can count on him at work, it's his business persona. And I'm sure he can be one hell of a friend to some people. Not to most people though. He doesn't specifically care for anyone, he only feels sorry for himself.

At the moment I hang out a lot with Killian who is very fun to be around, but a little paranoid and very vocal about pretty much everything. It's great to be on good terms with Killian, he actually comes close to being the real no BS deal and the crowds follow his lead. Then again if you have a disagreement with him, everyone will hear about it too and it can become very dramatic. Who am I kidding, who isn't dramatic in this place.

I am learning to pay less attention to the stuff which doesn't directly concern me or the company. I'm not the team shrink, I can't come to everybody's (or even the majority's) rescue. I have to start taking care of myself first. And convince all the Corys and Percys in a genuine and sincere way that they all are the real deal to me. Everybody wants to be the real deal? Everybody gets to be the real deal. Although I am not particularly happy, I'm trying not to lose my mind here. There are obviously new things to learn everyday and I'll make the most of it while being trapped here.

I thought I'd be happy (III)

How often can a heart break for the same reason. Too often. It mends a little and it breaks a little again.

I thought I'd be happy by now. And I would be if it weren't for Percy. I can't be happy about anything right now. All I can think of, is what I don't have.

He just can't leave me alone. He always gives this little speech and this little promise, then he takes it all back. I call his BS, but I'm still suffering. I've been going crazy, ever since I got involved with this craziness. Not a second of it was worth it.

I wanna go back in time and unknow everything Percy has said to me. He is the reason why I can't enjoy anything anymore. Why everything that I have doesn't seem to be enough anymore. It's not about Percy in particular as it is about the idea of falling for someone. Percy doesn't care about me one bit, he enjoys the attention at most (exactly as I said 5 months ago). So stop lying to yourself and start seeing him for who he really is.

I thought I'd be happy by now. But I'm just getting unhappier by the minute.

I thought I'd be happy (II)

I went through a lot to get where I am today. When I put all that behind, I was convinced I'd finally be happy. I thought I'd finally be able to live a little, be grateful for coming this far.

Today I received this month's salary and it didn't make me happy. In fact, it felt like I was growing unhappier with each passing day. I didn't go through so much trouble to give up fighting. I am fighting every day, because I want to deliver good work and get along with everybody. But it only keeps me distracted during the day. At home I realize once again it's all BS.

The only thing I still believe in is the big boss, as he appears to be someone who knows what he is doing. There is no one else that I can trust and depend on anymore. I'm on my own.

I thought I'd be happy

Mickey will be at home in China for a month. I haven't seen much of him lately, he's been working all across Europe. I thought I could live like that, but I can't.

Six months ago all that mattered to me was money and a job that I didn't hate. Friends I could make along the way. Shopping I could do online or in Munich or somewhere else. I thought I was going to figure it out, but I was wrong.

During my first month in Bavaria, I hung out with two people after work. I haven't met anyone else since then. Coworkers are not friends. Most of my coworkers are married with children and/or not interested in hanging out after work.

I can't picture myself marrying a local guy and staying in this place forever. I need to eat authentic Asian food regularly, I need to buy clothes that nobody else is wearing, I need to hang out with people who are like me, I need to reach either Frankfurt or Munich Airport within an hour.

At least Mickey knows for a fact that this small town life without any family or friends won't be forever. He has something to look forward to. I have absolutely nothing and nothing to be sure of.

All I have now is a decent income and a job I don't hate, exactly what I wished for. I thought I'd be happy, but I'm not.

Reckless

I have always been stupid and now I am also getting reckless. It's not enough to talk less in front of gossipy people. It is the quiet, trustworthy people that will betray you one day. I have to always keep that in mind.

When I moved to this place, I planned to keep a low profile and be as invisible as possible. Now I am one of the most high-profile and in-your-face people around. I know it will come back to bite me.

I am a troublemaker and not afraid to make things happen, though often too hastily. I will use the next few weeks to regroup and work on my patience. Thinking things through has always paid off in the past. People who want to take me down are watching out for my mistakes, if I'm not careful. I just have to stay quite calm and watch out for theirs too. Maybe I need to join a class, patience just isn't my strong suit. :D

Day and night

The construction works on our new company building are still ongoing. It looks like they didn't do anything (worth mentioning) in a week. While I was gone, parking had been prohibited in front of my apartment for construction works as well. I had to park somewhere down the street.

The first thing I did on this Saturday afternoon was grocery shopping to fill my empty fridge. In the parking lot I spotted Tracy's car. I cursed a little bit and then went straight inside without trying to hide from her. I mean I spent a week at a European exhibit. I spent day and night with a large group of coworkers, superiors, agency witches, business partners and clients from all of Europe. Day and night we were together like one big happy family. I saw members of my big family at breakfast, when they were still waking up for the day. I saw family before bedtime, when I could barely open my eyes anymore. I got to know things about them that I hadn't known before, not all of it was great stuff. So why would I freak out about some ridiculous smalltalk with Tracy? I had absolutely nothing to be nervous about after mingling at and handling an exhibition like that. Best preparation anyone could ever ask for to deal with all the Tracys out there.

At the beginning I was still thinking about Percy, but I restrained from contacting him on my part. As the week went on, I got to know some of the nicer business partners. A few of my favorite coworkers (Wesley, Cory, Greg and Wyatt) started showing up too, so I didn't care for Percy that much anymore. Percy texted that he was thinking about me, I didn't even respond to it. He asked if he did anything wrong. I could honestly tell him that everything was fine. I was fine again. Of course I don't know how I will feel when I see him Monday morning, but I am not too worried. The business trip really helped me focus on other things. I know I will be fine and maybe he will become a part in my life on some very platonic level. Isn't that nice.

Hit the road

I wouldn't say that I want to leave for the exhibit. I can't say that I'm ready to work 15 hours a day, 6 days straight, and leave Percy behind. I just know I have to do it no matter what and the timing couldn't be better.

I've been trying to go on dates, text and call other guys. Nothing has kept my mind off of him. The exhibit is my chance. The only reason why I am so focused on this entire thing, is because I am married to my job and don't have a life in the real world. I don't wanna curse or be mad at him. I just can't live like this anymore.

He may be my type, but there are plenty of great guys out there who could be my type as well. This is the typical big fish little pond scenario. He is this nice small town boy with a cute smile who can't really make up his mind, he never was nor will be the guy for me. I promised before I wouldn't settle. I now promise I won't settle for someone who doesn't like me as much as I like them. I'm not a small town girl, I'm not gonna stick around, I have to always remember that.

Broken hearted at work

Yesterday I told Percy that it'd been kinda hard for me, because I liked him. I was glad that I would be gone for the exhibit next week and then be fine again. He said he had no idea. I said he wasn't the only one who acted different at work.

How was I supposed to feel? There was this guy who told me he had feelings for me (for five months already), but we couldn't be together anyway. Five months ago I liked him too and then put it behind me. Today knowing what I know, it's even worse. Too painful.

Later in the evening we met for drinks. Nolan, Percy and I. We had a great time. It is difficult to be mad at Percy. I don't want to be mad at a coworker with whom I actually get along with. I will use the time at the exhibition to heal and feel good about myself again. At some point maybe I will develop the kind of friendship with Percy that I have with Nolan now. I'm not sure I can let this go quickly and that is okay. I'm not superhuman, I've been alone all this time and I'm hurting.

I can't do this

Percy still can't leave me alone, although he seems strong enough not to see me after work. He keeps sending flirtatious texts and he has this cute smile which would make anyone's heart melt. I need to let go, because he is taking me for granted and he can't make up his mind. One minute he says he is jealous if I go on dates, the next minute he says we need to text less. He can do whatever he wants, while I can't do anything. It really affects my mood. I know I don't wanna lose him as a friend too, but I can't go on like this. It's just too hard.

Back to June

We're back to June. My day started off good. I went to a meeting with the sales department in the afternoon. Afterwards all of us stood in the kitchen eating sandwiches, when I saw Percy and his guys chatting in the parking lot ready to head home. He looked cute and it really hurt seeing him. So we're back to June again, when I had first noticed the quiet redhead with those piercing green eyes.

We both agreed to keep talking and texting. And maybe I'm hoping for something to change his mind. Or maybe I hope having him in my life long enough will make me realize it isn't a good fit, but until then I don't have to not have him in my life. It's the stupidest thing ever, I know. I will get over it eventually, I always do.

On Thursday I'm going on a date with a funny, cute guy. I do look forward to it, although I can't quite stop thinking about Percy yet. Right now the most important thing to me is that our staff is happy. Our company needs him more than I do. He is doing the right thing for the both of us, it's everyone else's happiness before our own. Now I wish I'd never known he liked me all this time.

You won't see me fall apart

So Percy told me this morning that nothing could happen between us. It hurt a little, but there was a lot of relief. I mean it's better sooner than later, right? If it already hurts physically now, how will it feel later down the road. I can't be so vulnerable and exposed, particularly not because of someone like Percy. It's not worth the heartache, it's not worth compromising my position at work. Yesterday and all week I've been over the moon. Now it seems like it's been a bad fantasy. I guess someone is out there shielding me from the real pain. I just don't know what I am doing anymore. I'm gonna cry a little about my own stupidity and then move on like I always do.

A few months ago I said to Nolan that I couldn't picture myself living in the countryside for long, it would be way too lonely for me. When I wanna cry I listen to Sia's Elastic Heart. Why does my chest hurt so much, I don't understand it at all. I could say that I wished Percy had never approached me like that, however, it's not completely true. It felt different to dream a little again. The heart wants what it wants and now it will take more than two days to mend it. 

There is no such thing as the right thing

When Nolan came back from his July vacation with a new girlfriend, I thought my heart was broken. But I was just being overly dramatic. After two weeks it was same old, same old. One night in August, he was so drunk I gave him a ride to his hotel. We made out and he said that he loved me. I did not feel anything at the moment. So I went home. The next day he didn't remember what had happened. Now we're back to being friends, maybe even closer than we used to be. The tension is gone.

Work is stressing me out more than ever. I am trying to hold on to the staff members that want to leave us, while shaking off the threatening vibes I get from others. When I walk through the offices and halls, I try to talk to as many people as I can. It is difficult. When you focus on the big picture, you lose sight of the small details. Once my boss gives up on us and moves back to hometown, other bosses will jump right at my throat and crush me. Greg who is about to hand in his resignation, suggested I write a book. Who would even read shit like that. It sounds like a very bad daytime soap opera.

Adding to the drama, I have been responding to some advances from Percy. Back in May/June it'd felt like there was something there between us. A couple days later he told me he was about to become a father. I spent two days mending my broken heart realizing there was nothing there. It didn't take long. Now I guess I hadn't been imagining things after all. I have been alone and vulnerable ever since I got here, but I also know the Percy thing makes me a bad person.

And then there is Mickey. Recently he started traveling to our customers all across Europe, so we barely see each other any more. We have been talking over the phone for weeks. Mickey also has a girlfriend back home in Asia, so he would never take the first step. I believe it wouldn't work out with us anyway. Not that it could work out with Percy either. None of it would.

This remote Bavarian workplace is a messed up playground and it brings out the worst in people who used to be kind or stupid. My boss told me to never lose my carefree nature or grow up and stop doing the right thing. Well guess what, boss, I have to protect my own skin if you're not doing anything to protect it. I need a raise to put up with this crap for the long run.

Hopeless workaholic

Once you close a door, another window opens. Two days after Nolan disappeared into the sunset, I got to hang out with a few coworkers that I never had a chance to talk to. We went to the town festival, had a few beers and Bavarian food. A busy week at work later, Nolan started to slip from my mind. It is difficult to gather the energy to do something other than work. I am constantly thinking about work, improving myself and talking to everyone.

Also I want to care about each and every person in the entire company, or at least as many as I can cover in a day. But once you start bonding with some, you lose sight of some others. Not everyone will like you obviously. And not everyone will warm up to you right away, even my own boss has to get used to me being around. It is my job to get along with people, so I take this very very seriously.

Since I joined the HR department, managers talk to me about who they want to fire. It is tough and it is only the beginning. You can't let personal feelings cloud your judgement. Sometimes I want to warn people about certain behaviors, but at the end of the day, it is always wiser to know nothing unless you're asked.

Next week Nolan will be back. I am glad, because he is my dinner companion in the countryside. That's it.

Help me, I'm a cat

If the stores didn't close by 7 pm, it wouldn't make any sense for me to get off work early. Work is the only place I meet people at the moment. Maybe I should hang around the hotel reception more often. This is a tiny Bavarian town. Young people move away after high school. There isn't anything going on. And those who stay around get married to their high school sweethearts and have this entirely different lifestyle going on, which I still don't understand.

Once in a while I do feel attracted to someone, it actually happens really fast. But it ends before it starts and I get over it even faster. I have to. I am happy with my job, my health, the new place I got and my future landlord's cat. I get along with almost anybody. I just don't know if I can live like this for several years. Without any real friends, just co-workers and hotel staff. With only limited shopping and feasting possibilities. How to live exactly. I spend all my money on traveling, insurance, rent and bad restaurants.

To be honest, I'm not even sure if I am capable of sharing a place with someone other than my family. And I promised not to settle again. That makes it twice as hard to open up to someone. I'm already the worst at expressing emotions. Obviously I can't just date a co-worker for fun and hope for the best.

Right now all I can do is make sure that I survive on my own. We will see how everything else turns out. Mickey will be in China for a month and Nolan will take two weeks off in July. I'm gonna rise to the occasion and make the best of the worst situation.

Monday morning

Because my life revolves around work and nothing else, I kinda have been looking forward to Monday morning all weekend. (Sounds sad doesn't it.)

When Percy picked me up for work at 7.20, I realized there was more to it than simple boredom. He already stood there waving at me, smoking his cigarette, as I stepped out of the hotel. Strands of my hair were still wet from the shower, I wasn't expecting him for another 10 minutes. I was surprised how cute he looked and even more surprised at how glad I was to see him.

Nolan and a couple of other people don't seem to think much of Percy. But there is something about him that magically pulls me towards him. It's the way he says my name, it's the touch of his arm when we sit next to each other. I can't help it. I noticed it last Friday at the town fair, I noticed it again in the car. I know he probably isn't interested or has a gf. Only enjoys the attention at most.

If it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be. I already figured this much. It's just that Monday, the 1st of June, turned out to be one of the best days ever since I got here.

On my own or turn into a chamelon

Working for a Asian boss in a Western company is harder than I thought it would be. The Asians want me to be one of the Europeans, but they treat me like an Asian. The Europeans also want me to be one of the Europeans, but they're disappointed if I'm not Asians enough to smooth things over for them. The truth is, I can give them the information they want, but that wouldn't be Asians style.

I can't even complain that nobody could survive in this environment. My boss is the ultimate chameleon, maybe even better than my little brother Thomas who is the complete chameleon package. I just have to follow his lead and become more like him. I have to make everybody feel like I am on their side. Whereas I know for a fact that nobody will ever be on my side.

This is what true loneliness is. After work I go back to my hotel room, buy something to eat, skype with my family and friends at home and then hope that my co-worker Nolan wants to hang out. It's pretty pathetic. There is no one else I can trust but Nolan. Unfortunately, he has been trying to keep the distance, ever since we had a drunken sleepover last week. Nothing happened, he just realized it couldn't happen again I guess. The only comfort right now is the money, I wonder how long that happy feeling gonna last.

Stop being stupid!

I feel stupid. Because I often settle for less.

I feel stupid. Because I am not good at opening up to others. Which can't be confused with TMI. Because that I am good at.

I feel stupid. Because guys only like my looks.

I feel stupid. Because I feel rejected, even though I don't like them that much either.

I feel stupid. Because dating a co-worker is never a good idea, especially if there are no real feelings involved.

I feel stupid. Because once you worry about appearing too needy, you already are.

All is (not) happening for a reason right now. I'll understand someday.

Romantic send-off stories

In January I asked Ray out and got rejected. He said he wasn't interested in a relationship at this point and he was sorry if I had received any mixed signals. It was fine, because I wasn't exactly looking for a relationship either. We kept writing each other for weeks until it cooled off.

This Sunday, Jason and I were having drinks at a local pub, when Ray and a bunch of people surprisingly walked in. What were the odds?? We were all pretty excited about running into each other. After asking them to join our table, I told Ray that I was moving to Bavaria in a week. The two of us talked the entire evening and had a great time. On my way home, I had a feeling that he'd get in touch the same night, even though he'd never written at this late hour. I got an email by 1.30 AM, he wished me the best of luck in Bavaria. He also apologized for not properly saying goodbye at the pub, because it happened so fast.

On Monday I informed the Inner Circle that I was moving away. Except for Stan and Jason, I hadn't seen them in months, so I invited all of them to a send-off party on Wednesday. And I invited Ray too, who unexpectedly agreed to come, although he wasn't even in town this week. It turned out to be one of the most fun evenings. It wasn't even awkward with Nev and Neil. We were all talking and laughing. Ray asked me a lot of questions and sometimes touched my arm or something. I made him an armband from a ribbon that my farewell present was wrapped in. He pretended to hide the ribbon in his sleeve, but actually seemed upbeat about it.

At the end of the night, Ray and I waited at the train station together. Suddenly I got pretty nervous. I told myself it was going to be fine, since I'd be moving to Bavaria and forget all about Ray soon. I was prepared to leave with nothing but a nice experience. When his streetcar showed up, he went in for a goodbye hug and then looked at me standing only an inch away, which made me even more nervous. Then he smiled and disappeared. I had to sit down for a minute, because my heartbeat was racing so fast. Tell me that wasn't a clear-cut signal.

I wasn't certain if he'd mail again, but he did as soon as he got home. He mentioned that he was still wearing the ribbon around his wrist. I mean, why all of a sudden...? Didn't he say he wasn't interested? I don't understand. The next day he asked me for my phone number. Just in case of an emergency, he said. Yeah right. What's that even mean? Tell me that wasn't a pretty straight-forward signal.

JCZ's 8th anniversary

I often think about the time that my grandfather and I walked down Siping Road towards the signs of that American car company. He mentioned he wanted to visit us in Germany one last time, although we both knew it probably wasn't going to happen. I pointed to the signs in the distance and told him that he'd totally visit us again, it wasn't that far away. It was right ahead of us like the car company. He laughed and agreed. That was ten years ago. Three days ago was the 8th anniversary of his death. He never made it back to Germany. It was one of the last times we spoke. He is in a better place now, he is actually having a blast somewhere in heaven. That's the most important thing. So I'd like to thank you, grandpa, for watching out for us and making sure that we're doing okay. 

Where Rainbows End

This time it wasn't so much about bad timing. This time it was more about coming to terms with all the bad timings. And realizing that after so many bad timings over the course of 13 years, it wasn't ever going to happen. Shane and I had known each other for 16 years. We met when we were freshmen in junior high, became friends before graduating. I went on to study in the UK, while he stayed. Everytime I came home during the term breaks, we went out and had a great time. After senior high, I moved to China and he eventually started seeing his first girlfriend. He thought it'd be a great idea if the three of us went to his prom together. Actually it was quite awkward for the girlfriend and for me as well.

It didn't happen in college either, as we were in different stages of our lives and interested in different things. One of us was always in a relationship with someone else. While I dated two of the worst Asian boyfriends one could ask for, he dated like the only girl in his entire engineering class for a staggering four years. She dumped him via email and he regretted wasting four years and the passed up opportunities to go out with someone else.

During the last 2 or 3 years, I often thought about catching up with Shane and seeing if there was something there still. So we met up yesterday and it felt like seeing your best friend. We were still totally different people, but there was an unspoken understanding and connection between us. All the bickering from old times, it was like we hadn't been apart for a couple of years. We had a heartfelt conversation last night about how one of us always could picture themselves asking the other one out, but never went for it.

Back then it wasn't so much about our different hobbies and lifestyles. Back then it was more about the fear of making a great friendship very awkward. Maybe in the back of mind, I'd sort of assumed that we'd wind up together at some point, when we were ready. I guess we both assumed wrong. That chapter is closed now and I don't think that we'll get another shot at it, as we will be in our thirties soon. Someone will get married or have kids by then. We're idiots obviously. We're not Rosie Dunne and Alex Stewart obviously.

Second Chances (Pt. II)

I wouldn't call Stan a close friend. As a matter of fact, he isn't close to anyone, because he only cares about himself. He is an only child of separated parents whose lives revolve around him. Right now he is practically living off of his inheritance, although his parents aren't dead yet. My family can't understand why I'm helping him, since he seems like a lost case. I can't expect him to be grateful either, he never learned about gratitude. One day he'll find a job, get his life back on track, but he won't remember that he owes me big-time for it. He'll believe that he did it all on his own, while I was being a pain in the ass always pushing him to do things he wasn't comfortable with. Even more annoying than his mother.

Back in senior high school, Philipp and I were close friends. I did most of his coursework, but he failed his final exams anyway. Maybe people who don't want to be helped, don't deserve to receive help. To me it has never been about who is deserving and who isn't. It's not about ever getting a thank you in return, because you most likely won't. I feel like I need to help, because it would've been nice if I've had someone when I needed them. Someone who would've been there and done what I'm doing right now.

However, I haven't really had a person like that in my life, when life was tough. There used to be Alex S. and Mary, but I lost Alex early in the process. It's everyone out there fending for themselves. I'd like to know that there are more people like Alex out there helping others who need a second chance. Starting with me. It's what I have to do, even if it seems pretty pointless. My Grandpa would've been proud of me, that's all I need. All this time he's been watching over me, I can feel it. My life has been changing for the better, but I can't ever forget how I got there. It's my turn to give something back.

On the high road

When it comes to me, things rarely ever go as planned. Some people don't follow through with their plans, but I quit before I start. Although planning always turns out to be a worthwhile thing to do. Honestly, I haven't been in a good place for some time. Before I met the inner circle, I'd kind of hoped to have someone to talk to. Without getting judged or pressured. Without having to reveal anything about myself. That's not how things turned out. Things got pretty intense pretty quickly, there was no way I could've been prepared for all that. You could try to figure others out, the next minute you'd get surprised by your own actions and lack of control in certain situations. Gave them an inch, and they would take an ell. Once in a while I'd get caught up in a sentimental moment, let my guard down and soon pay the price for it. Then I wouldn't learn my lesson and make more mistakes. Now I'm facing the consequences of all the mistakes I had made so far.

It's not that I feel good about taking a break from the inner circle. Being around the inner circle makes me feel worse than taking a break right now. I don't know whom to trust. I think I can trust Stan to some extend, because he is discreet and mainly cares about himself above anyone else. I know the rest of them talk. So anything I do or say in front of one person, the rest will know within an hour. Kevin may not gossip that much, but that's because nobody confides in him and I wouldn't either. Ultimately, I don't trust myself. Ian hopes that I will be his eyes and ears in the inner circle, after he messed up big-time with Kate and Nev. Well I can't do that. I've always known this day would come, so I'd never deliberately tried to be BFFs with Kate. "Spying" on people can cut both ways. If you have to give up a piece of your own soul for it, this shit ain't worth knowing. Maybe I'm as scheming as Nev claims I am, but obviously not smart enough to keep my head down when I should. 

Second chances (Pt. I)

To some of us, first impressions mean everything. Once the mind is made up (subconsciously), there are no real second chances.

Yesterday Ems and I talked about the difficulty of asking people out on a date, which can be particularly awkward in German language. Even more awkward for an introvert girl like me, needless to say. All I wanted to know from Ems was: If I asked a person out, would that person understand that I was putting myself out there and not trying to be friends? Ems then shared some valuable advice which really surprised me. He thought I was too scared of a possible negative outcome, he matter-of-factly pointed out the three options that I got.

First, I expect to get rejected. I can try to put up an emotional wall beforehand - as high as possible - and the rejection won't affect me that much, since the person and I aren't that close anyway. Second, I expect the person to be glad I asked, whether they actually show it or not. If it doesn't work out, it's not because I did something wrong, but because they didn't deserve getting to know me and my "awesome" personality. ;) Third, I suggest something I know the person really enjoys doing and probably won't say no to, it will be more subtle and also appear less like an actual date. I knew that Ems was the right person to talk to, before we had this conversation, I just didn't know how right it was and how much I needed a conversation like this. I'd been insecure and guarded all my life, I'd never known how not to be all that. Ems finished his three options off with a nice little quote from Les Brown: "You must be willing to do the things today others won't do, in order to have the things tomorrow others won't have."

People think of Ems as some insensitive, hyperactive hip-hop rapper, who doesn't know when to stop talking and who doesn't seem to fit in. I used to believe that too, when I first met him in May. But he has changed since, he has been willing to put in some real effort. These days he is still bubbly, over the top enthusiastic and chats about weird stuff, but he is also fearless and funny and observant. There is more to him than hip-hop and weirdness, and it shows if you give him a chance. He pays attention to things that no one else would pay attention to. I have enough people in my life who moan all the time, it feels liberating to laugh for a change.

I also want to mention Kate whom I met around the same time as Ems. She wrote me a very unexpected Christmas card last week, which was so long I couldn't help expecting something very corny and cliche. But it simply said: "Last year I was going through a rough time. On the second day of the weekend we first met, I just couldn't bring myself to cheer up. And I felt like you took notice. Knowing that somebody cared, it meant the world to me." I gotta admit that I have no idea what she is talking about. I can only recall keeping the distance, so Stan could flirt with her. [They sort of started dating recently, on their second attempt.^^]

Second Chances is about a guy who managed to convince me of looking beyond the surface and giving others the benefit of a doubt, and about a girl whose words made me want to be the caring person that she thinks I am. It's a wonderful message and I hope to live up to it from now on. So thank you, Kate and Ems, for inspiring me to be better. [I'm sorry Second Chances is such a corny and cliche story, it's honest and real.^^]

Taking chances

I'm doing something unexpected. I'm asking Ray out like it's no big deal at all. To some extend it's good to know where you're at, though it might be too early and all too sudden for him. I'm not even sure what I'm hoping to achieve, but I'm asking anyway as there won't be many opportunities in the future. Maybe he is wondering how to respond without hurting my feelings. I don't have much to lose.

Right now I need to distance myself from the inner circle. I need to take a break on my own terms, with my head held high. I don't want to wait until things are damaged beyond repair. Nev and I are having some trust and boundaries issues, I can't go back to the way things were. Ray isn't exactly part of the inner circle, but Nev is practically the center of the entire crowd and involved in everything. He has been quite aggressive towards me lately, looking for reasons to argue, even in the new year.

Nobody is gonna believe that Nev The Saint is the dramatic one here, he'll make sure that everyone feels sorry for him. I really do regret that I used to help him with that. Pansy was a pain in the ass, but I shouldn't have defended him against her. She wasn't my problem after all. Always mind your own business, otherwise one day you'll get stabbed in the back not by weirdo Pansy, but by your own friends. So I'm choosing to hang out with whomever I want when I feel like it. It's now or never.

NYE tales (Part II)

So what I didn't mention earlier, Ray was also at the party. This time I decided to talk to him, didn't want to have any regrets. And tried to have a great time on NYE. :) After a few drinks we joked around while singing karaoke and setting off fireworks. Around 3am Kevin wanted to give Jason and Ray a ride home. I suggested to tag along, so I could spend more time with Ray sitting in the back seats. I got a goodbye hug initiated by him, which was enough for me. I was very careful nobody noticed anything suspicious. But he must have noticed something, it would've been quite obvious to me. Or maybe not.^^ The truth is, I am still scared of doing anything that might change things between us. It's been eight months and I'm still scared as a chicken.

NYE tales (Part I)

Christmas had been pretty great. I really enjoyed hanging out with my extended family, playing cards (the younger siblings vs. the older siblings just like old times.)

Right after the holidays I had a major fight with Nev which lasted until New Year's Eve. He called me scheming, self-serving and spineless. Why? Because I accept rides from guys that I don't consider as potential dates or friends. And Nev The Saint would "never" accept a ride home from anyone he doesn't like, because he is independent and has real integrity. After the first fight he went straight to our mutual friends, told them his version of events and cried about his worries of losing me as a friend. In turn he earned a lot of sympathy and our friends gossiped with other friends about it. 

Some people just can't help to blab. And some people are less than smart on top of it, they are basically out of control. You think I'm scheming? Well I at least think about the consequences before I talk. He apologized and admitted I didn't do anything wrong and he shouldn't have forced his own values on others. However, it wasn't the first time he called me self-serving. There is no point in changing his mind when it's already made up. Plus, once this door has been opened, there will be more fights about more pointless things in the future. He is used to fighting with his closest pals all the time, they have no boundaries. I couldn't live like that.

There was even more drama, when I made my own arrangements for the NYE party. Nev and the inner circle met at the fire station to get a ride together, it would've taken me 40 minutes just to get there. Why do I have to reject a ride from Ian or Kevin who would pick me up at my local gocery store? Actually Neville encouraged Kate to ask some dude for a ride, whom she dislikes a lot. Oh that's not spineless, because she brings her kids? Her kids are big boys, they can help her carry the stuff. I am on my own and I have hypocritical friends who judge me. Honestly, I have more urgent matters to take care of than this crap. Nev can be more of a drama queen than most of the girls and gay dudes that I know, he is a very dramatic straight guy.