On the high road

When it comes to me, things rarely ever go as planned. Some people don't follow through with their plans, but I quit before I start. Although planning always turns out to be a worthwhile thing to do. Honestly, I haven't been in a good place for some time. Before I met the inner circle, I'd kind of hoped to have someone to talk to. Without getting judged or pressured. Without having to reveal anything about myself. That's not how things turned out. Things got pretty intense pretty quickly, there was no way I could've been prepared for all that. You could try to figure others out, the next minute you'd get surprised by your own actions and lack of control in certain situations. Gave them an inch, and they would take an ell. Once in a while I'd get caught up in a sentimental moment, let my guard down and soon pay the price for it. Then I wouldn't learn my lesson and make more mistakes. Now I'm facing the consequences of all the mistakes I had made so far.

It's not that I feel good about taking a break from the inner circle. Being around the inner circle makes me feel worse than taking a break right now. I don't know whom to trust. I think I can trust Stan to some extend, because he is discreet and mainly cares about himself above anyone else. I know the rest of them talk. So anything I do or say in front of one person, the rest will know within an hour. Kevin may not gossip that much, but that's because nobody confides in him and I wouldn't either. Ultimately, I don't trust myself. Ian hopes that I will be his eyes and ears in the inner circle, after he messed up big-time with Kate and Nev. Well I can't do that. I've always known this day would come, so I'd never deliberately tried to be BFFs with Kate. "Spying" on people can cut both ways. If you have to give up a piece of your own soul for it, this shit ain't worth knowing. Maybe I'm as scheming as Nev claims I am, but obviously not smart enough to keep my head down when I should. 

Second chances (Pt. I)

To some of us, first impressions mean everything. Once the mind is made up (subconsciously), there are no real second chances.

Yesterday Ems and I talked about the difficulty of asking people out on a date, which can be particularly awkward in German language. Even more awkward for an introvert girl like me, needless to say. All I wanted to know from Ems was: If I asked a person out, would that person understand that I was putting myself out there and not trying to be friends? Ems then shared some valuable advice which really surprised me. He thought I was too scared of a possible negative outcome, he matter-of-factly pointed out the three options that I got.

First, I expect to get rejected. I can try to put up an emotional wall beforehand - as high as possible - and the rejection won't affect me that much, since the person and I aren't that close anyway. Second, I expect the person to be glad I asked, whether they actually show it or not. If it doesn't work out, it's not because I did something wrong, but because they didn't deserve getting to know me and my "awesome" personality. ;) Third, I suggest something I know the person really enjoys doing and probably won't say no to, it will be more subtle and also appear less like an actual date. I knew that Ems was the right person to talk to, before we had this conversation, I just didn't know how right it was and how much I needed a conversation like this. I'd been insecure and guarded all my life, I'd never known how not to be all that. Ems finished his three options off with a nice little quote from Les Brown: "You must be willing to do the things today others won't do, in order to have the things tomorrow others won't have."

People think of Ems as some insensitive, hyperactive hip-hop rapper, who doesn't know when to stop talking and who doesn't seem to fit in. I used to believe that too, when I first met him in May. But he has changed since, he has been willing to put in some real effort. These days he is still bubbly, over the top enthusiastic and chats about weird stuff, but he is also fearless and funny and observant. There is more to him than hip-hop and weirdness, and it shows if you give him a chance. He pays attention to things that no one else would pay attention to. I have enough people in my life who moan all the time, it feels liberating to laugh for a change.

I also want to mention Kate whom I met around the same time as Ems. She wrote me a very unexpected Christmas card last week, which was so long I couldn't help expecting something very corny and cliche. But it simply said: "Last year I was going through a rough time. On the second day of the weekend we first met, I just couldn't bring myself to cheer up. And I felt like you took notice. Knowing that somebody cared, it meant the world to me." I gotta admit that I have no idea what she is talking about. I can only recall keeping the distance, so Stan could flirt with her. [They sort of started dating recently, on their second attempt.^^]

Second Chances is about a guy who managed to convince me of looking beyond the surface and giving others the benefit of a doubt, and about a girl whose words made me want to be the caring person that she thinks I am. It's a wonderful message and I hope to live up to it from now on. So thank you, Kate and Ems, for inspiring me to be better. [I'm sorry Second Chances is such a corny and cliche story, it's honest and real.^^]

Taking chances

I'm doing something unexpected. I'm asking Ray out like it's no big deal at all. To some extend it's good to know where you're at, though it might be too early and all too sudden for him. I'm not even sure what I'm hoping to achieve, but I'm asking anyway as there won't be many opportunities in the future. Maybe he is wondering how to respond without hurting my feelings. I don't have much to lose.

Right now I need to distance myself from the inner circle. I need to take a break on my own terms, with my head held high. I don't want to wait until things are damaged beyond repair. Nev and I are having some trust and boundaries issues, I can't go back to the way things were. Ray isn't exactly part of the inner circle, but Nev is practically the center of the entire crowd and involved in everything. He has been quite aggressive towards me lately, looking for reasons to argue, even in the new year.

Nobody is gonna believe that Nev The Saint is the dramatic one here, he'll make sure that everyone feels sorry for him. I really do regret that I used to help him with that. Pansy was a pain in the ass, but I shouldn't have defended him against her. She wasn't my problem after all. Always mind your own business, otherwise one day you'll get stabbed in the back not by weirdo Pansy, but by your own friends. So I'm choosing to hang out with whomever I want when I feel like it. It's now or never.

NYE tales (Part II)

So what I didn't mention earlier, Ray was also at the party. This time I decided to talk to him, didn't want to have any regrets. And tried to have a great time on NYE. :) After a few drinks we joked around while singing karaoke and setting off fireworks. Around 3am Kevin wanted to give Jason and Ray a ride home. I suggested to tag along, so I could spend more time with Ray sitting in the back seats. I got a goodbye hug initiated by him, which was enough for me. I was very careful nobody noticed anything suspicious. But he must have noticed something, it would've been quite obvious to me. Or maybe not.^^ The truth is, I am still scared of doing anything that might change things between us. It's been eight months and I'm still scared as a chicken.

NYE tales (Part I)

Christmas had been pretty great. I really enjoyed hanging out with my extended family, playing cards (the younger siblings vs. the older siblings just like old times.)

Right after the holidays I had a major fight with Nev which lasted until New Year's Eve. He called me scheming, self-serving and spineless. Why? Because I accept rides from guys that I don't consider as potential dates or friends. And Nev The Saint would "never" accept a ride home from anyone he doesn't like, because he is independent and has real integrity. After the first fight he went straight to our mutual friends, told them his version of events and cried about his worries of losing me as a friend. In turn he earned a lot of sympathy and our friends gossiped with other friends about it. 

Some people just can't help to blab. And some people are less than smart on top of it, they are basically out of control. You think I'm scheming? Well I at least think about the consequences before I talk. He apologized and admitted I didn't do anything wrong and he shouldn't have forced his own values on others. However, it wasn't the first time he called me self-serving. There is no point in changing his mind when it's already made up. Plus, once this door has been opened, there will be more fights about more pointless things in the future. He is used to fighting with his closest pals all the time, they have no boundaries. I couldn't live like that.

There was even more drama, when I made my own arrangements for the NYE party. Nev and the inner circle met at the fire station to get a ride together, it would've taken me 40 minutes just to get there. Why do I have to reject a ride from Ian or Kevin who would pick me up at my local gocery store? Actually Neville encouraged Kate to ask some dude for a ride, whom she dislikes a lot. Oh that's not spineless, because she brings her kids? Her kids are big boys, they can help her carry the stuff. I am on my own and I have hypocritical friends who judge me. Honestly, I have more urgent matters to take care of than this crap. Nev can be more of a drama queen than most of the girls and gay dudes that I know, he is a very dramatic straight guy.