Have yourself a merry little Christmas

Post-WC depression at its worst. I haven't watched much football lately. I haven't watched a game in months to be exact. There isn't much to watch, the Bundesliga is a one-horse race, the German national team and my favorite Premier League club are each struggling to survive, struck with injury. This is the longest period in a decade that I haven't been keeping up with football. Winning the WC was a dream come true, but it also ended the anticipation of what's to come. We're not like the Spaniards, we're not in it to win it several times in a row. First and foremost, we're only slightly younger than the likes of Xavi and Iniesta, which makes us kinda too old to keep going. Second of all, we just lost captain Lahm and that already says it all. Losing a world class full back is going to bite us in the ass. Third, all the good holding midfielders are always injured, plus Toni Kroos is NOT a holding midfielder and can't pull it off on his own. Fourth, going forward we'll probably use only 3 defenders (like Bayern Munich), when 4 was already quite shaky. I just wanna close my eyes and be thankful that I had the chance to witness winning the WC, as it doesn't happen that often. Maybe in another 20 years?

Have yourself a merry little Christmas is my favorite holidays song this year, this rendition is from new country duo Dan + Shay. I guess you all know that Taylor Swift isn't country anymore. About 7 years ago she made country music modern again, it's a sad thing to see her leave for good.

A couple of days ago I ran into Ray. I was hanging out with some friends, having tea and writing Christmas cards, it was like a nice little English tradition. When Ray showed up, he went straight for the seat next to mine, but I was too nervous to talk to him. After an hour, he and some other dude took off to get drinks elsewhere. It was an epic fail on my part, but I just couldn't bring myself to change the dynamics between us. I finally understood what my buddy M meant, when he said he'd rather have people admire him from afar than get too close and hurt in the process. It might hurt a little now, but feeling anything at all feels good for a change.

Must be karma (XI)

Look, half a year ago we've been through this. Before that we've been through this as well. Recently, a few confusing texts left me even more confused and disturbed than ever. I think I finally found myself ready to let go and move on. A few of my closest friends had been total let downs, so I tried to give it another shot with Ian. Or maybe I just wanted to see if we could get past everything and be on speaking terms again. Despite of his confession that he had genuine strong feelings for me (even now), I can't help but remain suspicious. There is nothing worth saving, I can honestly say that (again) right now. Having figured that out, I am alright with how I wasn't able to save things and how everything turned out. Maybe I'm also a bit relieved we're not close anymore, as I can't possibly be keeping up appearances forever. I'd like people to think that everything is fine all the time though. I actually don't enjoy lying and being secretive, it just seems that way. It has become a second nature,

Must be karma (X)

Okay here's the deal. A lot of time passed since my last blog entry. We won the World Cup! Oh my God, it was an overwhelming tournament and a very painful farewell to Klose and Lahm, two of my all-time favorite players... (I'm gonna be grateful and sad forever.) I also achieved a few individual goals of my own. That I'm very grateful for as well.

Now that being said, everything seems to be headed towards the right direction except for some personal matters. One of them include Ian, the on-and-off friend that I can't quite forget. Well, he never really moved on either. Of course there was a reason or two why things didn't work out in the first place, and time won't change anything. He tried to reach out a couple of times, while I remained tough and all. It wasn't easy. Everybody is still hanging out together, there is no one-on-one time for Ian and I though. My friends think it was already difficult to get rid of him the first time, even mutual friends don't like the idea of working things out between the two of us. It's almost like he used to be toxic or something, or maybe I am the toxic one, or we're each other's nemesis who knows. You think your relationship with someone is complicated? Then you haven't met Ian. Nobody knows that I actually did have feelings for him, not even himself. It's better to keep it that way, he wouldn't like me that much if he knew me very well. I'm gonna get over it at some point and then most likely be embarassed about it. ;) Feels good to finally get this off my chest. :D

World Cup Squad

Goalkeepers
1) Neuer (injured), 2) Weidenfeller, 3) Zieler

Defenders
CB: 1) Mertesacker, 2) Boateng, 3) Hummels, 4) Höwedes, 5) Ginter
LB: 1) Durm, 2) Großkreutz (also RB)
RB: 2) Lahm (injured)

Midfielders
6/CDM: 1) Schweini (injured), 2) Khedira (back from long-term injury), 3) Kramer
8: 1) Kroos
10/CAM: 1) Özil
LAM: 1) Reus, 2) Schürrle, 3) Podolski, 4) Draxler
RAM: 1) Müller, 2) Götze

Strikers
9/CF: Klose (injured?)


First of all, I'm so relieved that we found ourselves a couple of "real" full backs. Center backs and CDMs had been taking turns filling the vacant position opposite to Philipp Lahm's for many years. It'd never felt quite right though. Kevin Großkreutz is a beast, he's just what we needed. Speaking of Lahm, why the hell is he injured? Why is this happening right now, he is supposed to be invincible!!

I'm not sure how we're gonna pull through without a great CDM duo. Everyone appears to be injured or not quite fit yet. Just a year ago we had Gündogan, the Bender twins, Khedira and Schweini competing for two positions. Now we're stuck with Kroos who knows a thing or two about passing and possessing, but who neither is the defensive midfielder we're looking for, nor qualifies as a bubbly playmaker.

We probably are the national team with the most attacking midfielders in the world. While other countries play with an average of 3 attacking midfielders, we managed to squeeze a total of 5 (Götze, Müller, Özil, Reus, Kroos) into our starting 11 last week. Just to keep everyone happy, you know?

We also are the national team with the least strikers in the world. It's great we got Klose, a living legend, among the team. However, he sure is injury-prone and most likely won't make it to the Euro 2016, he'll be 38 years old. (There's only one Lothar Matthäus.) Doesn't bringing in a young striker - even if he has to sit on the bench this year - sound like a reasonable idea?

I don't believe that we'll win this whole thing, maybe second runner-up once again if we're lucky. It seems like our strongest spell is already behind us and we didn't win anything back then. God of football, please be on our side this time. Löw has done a good job for a decade. After the World Cup I'm backing Klopp or Kahn to be our new coach.

There is no point

I've never been the kinda person who has taken matters into her own hands. And people hadn't been able to support me like they might have been later on. (When it's already been too late for that). I don't see it. There just isn't any point in continuing on. People never hear me say "Things aren't that fine" or anything like that. I'm the girl that always sings and dances around. It's all just an act, mainly to fool myself.

悲伤 #MH370

Our thoughts are with them everyday. Praying for the truth to come out. Too early for closure.

http://v.youku.com/v_show/id_XNjQ0Njg5NDA4.html

Must be karma (IX)

Oh hell no. I know we're friends now, but even as a friend I don't want to hear things like "As a friend and as a person you're really great! But I don't wanna get you into bed anymore.^^" Oh really? Then why are you staring at my cleavage and noticing if other guys are checking me out?

Must be karma (VIII)

The past three weeks with Ian have been more stress- than joyful. I think I'm speaking for all of us, when I say that this - all the whining and moaning and tiny steps - is going nowhere. So as he suggested to stop seeing each other, I couldn't help but be a little relieved. It saved us from a lot of drama in the future. Ian might be a cool friend and a pretty hot guy too, but extremely insecure about himself. At first I was willing to put up with it because of the level of hotness. Later we both realized that it wasn't gonna happen - probably ever. Of course I was disapppointed, I didn't expect him to be so messed up. It's too bad. Well, maybe we can still hang out sometime. Am I paying for my own sins after all? Seems like it.

Must be karma (VII)

It's one thing to tell a guy that you're not looking for a relationship. It's a whole different story to hear from him that he's not looking for one. You're not relationship material, is what he's implying. I guess I'm not that surprised. I just finally understand how it feels to get treated like a rebound. Humiliating. ^^ Karma is a bitch.

Must be karma (VI)

Ian just told me that even though he'd be home this weekend, we couldn't see each other until next weekend, because he needed some regeneration time to himself in between two business trips. He said he hoped that I'd be patient and all. Yeah, right. Like we weren't already taking it slow enough. We barely started holding hands. I'm beginning to think that this is headed nowhere. I didn't make a scene of course, but I wasn't too glad about getting stood up either. I wasn't in the mood to talk at all, for that matter. How was I supposed to react? Getting the real treatment in the early dating stages, then what about later? Not very promising to be honest. Now I got one and a half weeks to reconsider what I want from Ian and if I still want it. In the meantime, there is always going out with someone else. Don't get me wrong, Ian is hot and a real distraction. But we're not officially dating and he's not exactly standing in front of me, is he? Like L keeps saying: Out of sight, out of mind or something.

Must be karma (V)

So I did what I had to do and sort of put myself out there. I even leaned in for a good night kiss, which wasn't unusual for me, but left for emergencies and special occasions. His surprised reaction was kinda sweet. Then he drove off into the sunset... Well, not exactly. He went on a business trip.

Later when he told me that he wasn't the text-every-day kind of guy, my first thought was "is he chickening out?", but I figured that I couldn't be bothered. If I wanted to talk to someone every day, I got the girls. There was no need to ruin everything by texting all the time and having nothing to talk about in person. Seems like I'm more chill about it than expected. I wonder if I will ever fall head over heels for someone again.

Must be karma (IV)

Thanks to the advice from Nev ("Don't be a stone!") and L, I scored myself another date with Ian. I did as Nev said and showed a little affection and stuff. I hated it. It made me feel vulnerable, it was like acting. But the outcome wasn't too bad! So maybe I didn't make a complete fool of myself.

I usually don't go out with guys who have "player" written all over their forehead. He isn't my type. He is very attractive though, and I like the way he looks at me. I basically picked Ian to go out with, because he ain't my type and I don't wanna get too attached. We're both not that impressionable, so it'll be interesting to watch if feelings get involved or not. I certainly hope not. To feel alive may feel great at first, but less great if it doesn't go both ways. We don't need this sort of distraction in our lives right now, it's overrated.

Must be karma (III)

It's been baby steps so far. If we keep this up, I'm afraid it will lead to another friend zone. We went out today and talked about all kinds of stuff. It was hard for me to open up about myself and my life. But not being able to show affection was the worst thing of all. I probably messed up bigtime, because I acted like I didn't care that much. I want to kick someone in the face right now. No, it feels like I got kicked in the head and I need some painkillers. Oh my God, talking about emotions is the hardest and most uncomfortable thing! >_<' Quack quack quack boom! Bam! Tik tok! Emotion explosion! :D

Must be karma (II)

I am known for being secretive, paranoid, unimpressionable and frosty. If I tried looking into Ian's eyes it'd partially be like looking into a mirror. It'd feel like being together and being alone. It'd be like: "I think you're hot and hard to figure out, a real challenge. Don't get closer, I'm a broken and empty soul. Don't ask me any questions that others aren't supposed to ask you either. I can't really open up to anyone, I can't truthfully love someone. I don't know why I'm even trying to talk to you, some of the things you say make me angry, they also remind me of me." Is it actually good or bad that people like us deserve each other? It's the first time someone else gets me some of my own medicine. It tastes like nothing and yet so bitterly familiar.

Must be karma

He said something like: I'm working out a lot these days, all because of a girl with a cute little hat.
I went: You've been working out for years! And I haven't seen any of it.
He went on: Just wait until summer. Maybe we'll go swimming or canoeing with the rest of the guys.
I went: Right, until summer! :D
He went: Children nowadays have no patience at all. Okay, then maybe in three weeks, when I move into my new place. I would've invited you to this place today, but it's really messy.
I lied: Unlike you, I got all the time and patience in the world!

Are you kidding me??? This guy is playing me. I hate this guy... Now I want him even more. I finally found myself a worthy match. Can you believe this.

Day of truth

After celebrating New Year's Eve with the entire group and feeling rather awkward about it, I used the first day of the new year to clear things up with the guys. I told Stan that I'd changed my mind about us and considered us friendzoned. He was a little disappointed, but didn't want to lose me as a friend. I told Ian that I liked him, which he was more than surprised to hear. How the hell did he not know? Alright, maybe I did keep my thoughts to myself, but usually guys can sense something at least. If it hadn't been for Nev getting on my nerves, I probably never would've said anything to anyone. Now that everyone knows where they're at, it feels like I made the right decision. There was a lot of drama at the NYE party with other people too, I'm expecting more drama in the near future. I'm exhausted and have some sleep to catch up to. Good night! :D