On the high road

When it comes to me, things rarely ever go as planned. Some people don't follow through with their plans, but I quit before I start. Although planning always turns out to be a worthwhile thing to do. Honestly, I haven't been in a good place for some time. Before I met the inner circle, I'd kind of hoped to have someone to talk to. Without getting judged or pressured. Without having to reveal anything about myself. That's not how things turned out. Things got pretty intense pretty quickly, there was no way I could've been prepared for all that. You could try to figure others out, the next minute you'd get surprised by your own actions and lack of control in certain situations. Gave them an inch, and they would take an ell. Once in a while I'd get caught up in a sentimental moment, let my guard down and soon pay the price for it. Then I wouldn't learn my lesson and make more mistakes. Now I'm facing the consequences of all the mistakes I had made so far.

It's not that I feel good about taking a break from the inner circle. Being around the inner circle makes me feel worse than taking a break right now. I don't know whom to trust. I think I can trust Stan to some extend, because he is discreet and mainly cares about himself above anyone else. I know the rest of them talk. So anything I do or say in front of one person, the rest will know within an hour. Kevin may not gossip that much, but that's because nobody confides in him and I wouldn't either. Ultimately, I don't trust myself. Ian hopes that I will be his eyes and ears in the inner circle, after he messed up big-time with Kate and Nev. Well I can't do that. I've always known this day would come, so I'd never deliberately tried to be BFFs with Kate. "Spying" on people can cut both ways. If you have to give up a piece of your own soul for it, this shit ain't worth knowing. Maybe I'm as scheming as Nev claims I am, but obviously not smart enough to keep my head down when I should.