In the dark

Wyatt gave up his position in order to give me a chance to continue on. His sacrifice wasn't for nothing. Last week Wren and Barney handed in their double resignation, while Brendan went on his third job interview. I've known the four guys from the moment they first applied. As they one by one got hired by the "special department", the company's future appeared a little bit safer and brighter. I've been right there - through all the funny, hopeful and tough times - until the moment they quit their jobs. The guys will be gone in a matter of weeks, but I can't even be seen with them in public without drawing negative attention.

Yes, it is an uncomfortable environment. I know it better than most people and still feel absolutely clueless. Only those who remain invisible will make it far. The reason I'm still (barely) alive is because I'm one of Len's dogs. The dogs will get kicked around, but they won't get left behind.

Rainy days after a drought

Yesterday was Aiden's last day of work. Wyatt's too, for that matter, but that's another story. This morning Brent and I were the only people who accompanied Aiden to his cab. It was raining cats and dogs. Final cigarette, final words. It was even tougher to say goodbye than I'd expected. I was sobbing uncontrollably, while Brent was awkwardly fishing for a piece of tissue.

There are no words to describe what I truly want to say. All I can say is that I cherished the last few moments that we spent together - a fortnight ago in Nuremberg, last weekend in Ingolstadt or earlier this week hanging with some friends (Mickey and Wren) at the huge farewell party. But mostly yesterday on a rainy Wednesday morning, the both of us sitting outside a tiny café sipping Latte Macchiato and chatting for hours during actual office hours.

Don't you think that we used to have less problems when we were younger, he asked on our ride home from Nuremberg. "Not really", I replied, "They might have been different and they may seem ridiculous now, but they felt like real problems back then." He laughed. "It's incredibly smart thinking. You know you're gonna recover from anything that you'll come across."

I also appreciate the tough moments throughout the last 2,5 years - that day when I was working overtime and Aiden brought me some self-made Chinese 炸酱面, or on a late February evening when Wyatt and I were in Aiden's office desperately looking for advice, or yesterday at lunch when Wyatt and Aiden hugged each other goodbye in front of the entire gaping company. Aiden openly had my back, when most people had already turned against me.

We weren't always close, not at the beginning at least. I am grateful for how far we've come and for everything that he taught me. I wish I'd made more of this short amount of time. Aiden is finally moving on after ten years of serving the company abroad and living a mostly miserable life. He was only 25 when he first got here. Tomorrow he'll be back with his family and working for the future chairman of the company.

We're gonna see each other again, he shouted in the pouring rain while climbing into the cab. I know that, I shouted back.

I thought I'd be happy (V)

Aiden will be heading home in June. For good this time. I remember it like it was yesterday, when he drove the white VW Touran with our company logo through the snowy roads of No Man's Land to pick me up at the train station in a nearby small town. That was 2 years ago. He was the first person I met here. Aiden had been spending 10 years away from home in this shit hole. If there was anyone who deserved a break, a promotion, a life, it was him. Although I knew he had earned this, I still couldn't help but feel lost. The last few months, I've been trying to cling onto him, ask him for guidance and direction. Aiden was everything to me that my own boss Len wasn't. His presence made me feel a little bit safer in a world where nothing was safe any more. Even though I am more than lucky to count Wyatt, Darren and Mickey among those who I can trust 100%. Losing Aiden will be like losing not only a trustworthy person, but the only influential AND trustworthy person in this place. Whoever comes next won't measure up, it will take years to get to that level of knowledge, experience and familiarity. I don't know if I can wait that long.

Wyatt and I are each struggling in our respective positions right now. Nobody says it out loud, but we both know that Len isn't willing to openly stick up for his own people. He will watch us struggle, and whenever Barry and his people come tear us apart, Len will keep watching. He will leave us for dead. We just weren't smart enough, it was our own fault. I have lost all faith in Len. 

I thought I would be happy at some point. Right now I don't even know the purpose or reason of my being here. I want to be happy, I want to enjoy doing what I do. I don't have any of that. At least I need to be hopeful for the future. But I just don't see it any more.