Maybe I'm amazed

Tuesday morning I was coincidently in Larry's office, when he sent Mickey and Wyatt on another mission. While Mickey packed his suitcase, Wyatt came looking for me to say goodbye. I didn't feel well, so I went home after lunch. The guys got there after a three-hour drive, finished fast and were supposed to head back the next morning. "Will I see you tomorrow," I wrote. "I sure hope so," Wyatt replied.

Wednesday morning I felt even worse and stayed at home. Mickey texted me that they were driving to a different customer and not returning as planned. By 3 PM they got back to the company. By 4 I got a text from Wyatt that said "Are you home already?" "Yeah, when I heard you weren't coming back, I was so sad and left," I teased him. "Had to work faster, thought you were waiting for me," he said. It was the cutest thing anyone could have said to me. 

Thursday afternoon Wyatt insisted on coming over and cooking me something. Usually I didn't like inviting people to my place. I'd had three colleagues over in almost a year, only one of them stayed longer than a few minutes. I wanted to see Wyatt though. I was nervous, but I decided I didn't care if he saw me wearing glasses and without any make-up on.

So he came over and brought food, chocolate and tea. "During the first two months you basically talked to everyone but me. I thought you were afraid of me or something. At the summer bash I sat down next to you and you walked away," he joked. I looked at him in disbelief. That's how I found out that he'd noticed me from the very beginning. 

When he was about to go home, I was wondering what would happen next. He simply pulled me into his arms - I was amazed how strong his pull was - and hugged me. And I didn't feel like letting go at all.

Blown out of the water

One week after I went back to work, Wyatt also returned from a long business trip. I saw him arrive in one of our cars at lunchtime, as Percy and I were headed to town towards the opposite direction. While running from one building to the other in the afternoon, I saw Wyatt push a cart across the parking lot. His face lit up with surprise and he nervously hugged me back. It was our second hug after he had drunkenly hugged me at the Christmas party. We talked for a minute, then I ran for the door and yelled "I gotta be somewhere right now, talk to you later okay?" At that moment I thought I wouldn't see him again that day. But less than an hour passed and he showed up at my office doorstep. Ever since then he always kept in touch. Once he texted me he was hoping to return from a business trip at normal hours, so I'd still be there.

Sunday evening we went for a ride. He said he usually didn't like curly hair, but I looked really pretty with curls. He had noticed in the parking lot the other day. When he dropped me off, I wanted to kiss him. Instead I jumped out of the car fast before anything could happen. Wyatt and I have always had this crazy physical chemistry. There is something intense and totally wrong about this guy. I think it will only be a matter of time until we go out again, because this guy knows what he wants and will go for it. Gotta admit it's a huge turn-on.

Ghost

The week started off strong. I'd never been happier since I got here, in almost a year that is. It all came to a crushing end, when my boss Len questioned me about the purpose of my being here. Right there I knew he wanted to challenge me, but it still felt like my three-week absence went unnoticed after all.

I am very aware that I haven't reached my full potential and I haven't done everything to make it happen. When people ask about my job, I obviously can't say I'm the person who speaks to every last individual and therefore can make things happen for them or through them. What kind of job description would that be. But it's the truth and if Len doesn't care for my qualities, then my position means nothing and can easily be replaced.

I have stopped reporting to Len a while ago, because it never occurred to him to protect me from Barry. Barry is one heck of a two-faced guy. His one side makes you wanna believe in Santa, the other one will destroy you with a sympathetic smile on the lips. You won't even notice you got screwed over by him. And when you fall to your death, he starts preparing for the day you come back from the dead. He'll be there with open arms treating you like a long lost puppy. That's Barry. If Len ain't protecting me from that, then all I can do is lay low. Not exactly what I got hired for.

Today has been rough. I have to constantly remind myself of who I am and what I am capable of. It doesn't matter that the Asian crew has my back. If I don't have Len's approval, I can't be sure of anything anymore. Nobody knows what I am going through on a daily basis. It's not the task in itself that is hard, it's getting no validation whatsoever for things that you can't even grasp.

I already know

Yes, I can take a hint. I may be stupid, but not a fool.

How can anyone be so composed.

Let me go and I will go further. Let me go and I will not return.

This is not a place for any of us to stay.

I'm not asking these questions, because I already know all the answers.

Without you, I don't know if I can keep going for another year.

Without you, there is no one left that I'm staying for.

It took me a while to realize how much I needed you.

You made it easier for me to stay.

When I leave, you'll make sure that I won't look back.

I may be stupid for letting you break my heart.

But I will get up fast, I always do.

Right out of the plane

Even though it turned out to be one of the most stressful and intense vacations, I had the time of my life in Asia. I ate everything I wanted, I bought everything I needed and more, I took lots of beautiful pictures, I got my hair and lashes done, I met family and friends, I visited Grandpa's grave, I went to the temple, I made wonderful new memories and also got some closure.

Right out of the plane, I went back to work and got an overwhelming welcome from a group of people. It was the right decision to take off for three weeks, it gave my superiors and colleagues a chance and enough time to miss me. :) But most importantly, it gave me a chance to work on myself, be aware of what I can do, be happy for once and come back stronger than before.

The real work begins after work. I have to do everything I can to distract myself from the isolation here. It is a struggle that I can never and should never get used to. I stopped talking to my coworkers about the struggle though, they never cared anyway.

Mickey and I kept in touch every other day during my vacation. Him and Darren even picked me up from the train station. I still couldn't help but feel like Mickey was starting to pull away a little. Yesterday he suggested we go on a trip on Labor Day, because I might not see much of him in the second half of the year. He'd be living the nomadic life like Winston, who would only be around every forth or fifth weekend.

There is no doubt in my mind that there is more to this than a platonic friendship. This even goes beyond the fun part, since we've been friends for almost a year now. It's just that we're both cowards. The risk of losing everything has never been higher. I can't put everything on the line for something that is so uncertain and will bring about so many consequences. I wish letting go wouldn't hurt at all.