Guard up

Four members of the Asian crew returned this morning. After opening my presents, Darren, Mickey and I started bickering and kicking each others' asses. A month without them hadn't been so bad, nothing major had happened except for Nolan's firing. Then when the guys walked in again, I realized I felt safe. There are lots of nice people around, but the Asian crew has my back and we really need each other.

I am starting to find my place in this mess. A lot of distractions have disappeared. Nolan got himself hospitalized again, I can't put up with this guy's addiction and denial issues any longer. Percy is on another sick leave for mental instability, I just could not care less for him. Wesley still is the greatest and nicest guy ever, that's all there is to it. At some point I also need to get over the whole Mickey thing, it's not gonna happen. I have been hanging out with Killian and Wyatt recently, they both are ticking time bombs. Cory has finally given up on me and is a pain in the ass to Sid now.

I am not sure about Sid yet. One day we could be the new Sally & Henrietta, a better version that is. Sally and Henrietta have been ultimate work BFFs for years, they'd even share one hotel room on a business trip. People assumed that I would share with Melania, even though it wasn't true. I've never been a girls' girl, so it would be a surprise if Sid and I ever got there. We're still at the very beginning and nobody knows about tomorrow. I'm gonna sit back and let things take its course.

In my mind I am already vacationing in Shanghai enjoying a hectic program and amazing feasts. There is no place else I'd rather be.

Last September

In September my parents planned to come over to celebrate my Mom's birthday together. They ended up only staying for a day, as an old friend in the north suddenly passed away. It was the first time I ever attended a funeral, but I knew it wasn't going to remain the only one. We stayed at my Grandpa Martin's place during those days in the north and visited my Grandma Johanna at a care home. She didn't recognize any of us.

When we moved to Europe many years ago, we used to be completely on our own. We had no relatives, not many friends, not much money. It was just us and a possible ph.D. degree for my father. This elderly couple basically had been in our lives from Day 1. Martin and Johanna became my grandparents, when I was 3 years old. They were there for us, when my maternal grandparents couldn't and my paternal grandparents didn't care about us. As long as they didn't have a grandchild of their own, they treated me like their grandchild. Even after they had six real grandchildren and we rarely saw each other any more, I knew that I was the very first one. How do you beat that.

This week my Mom tells me that Grandpa Martin got diagnosed with liver cancer and rejected further treatment. He'll soon leave the hospital and go home, Mom will head over there for a few days. I probably won't see him again. I can look back at lots of amazing memories from over two decades, I learned so much from the both of them. I regret that we all didn't make more of an effort in recent years, but we did have a wonderful time last September. I'll always cherish that.

Anxiety

Last week I'd been wondering if new guy Lloyd was actually afraid of me. Seemed like I really was paranoid, because he joined us for lunch several times after that. Llyod is rather shy, but he has a surprisingly cute smile. He spent a couple of years in the UK and is one of the few people at the company who went to college. There is something sweet and nerdy about him, I really hope to find out if we have more in common. He will get sent on business trips a lot, I'm afraid I won't see much of him any more.

After meeting Camden in Bavaria two weeks ago, we hung out again in my hometown. We do have stuff in common and stuff to laugh about. It's easy with Camden, he is from the States and has a very bubbly personality. I think he wouldn't mind going out for real or something, but I'm scared. He isn't my usual type, there isn't this instant attraction or tension that I'm looking for.

There is more tension with some people at work, people that I see on a regular basis and can't date for obvious reasons. The physical chemistry that I have with Wyatt for example is mind blowing. Then there is Wesley. Smart, genuine, kind and totally my type. You gotta be head over heels for someone when you start seeing them, right? It's not a good sign if it's not there to begin with.

I can't explain why this whole Camden thing is freaking me out so much. Maybe I just don't want to waste any more time on dating guys that I'm not madly in love with. I don't know if I should give it more time before shutting things down and regretting them.

Is that you

Preston turned out to be the biggest mistake ever. It already felt wrong to begin with, now it feels like it could slowly ruin my life. Every time a co-worker says something out of the ordinary or behaves in a weird way, I get paranoid. Spencer used to light up whenever he saw me, Killian and I used to be kind of close. Today this new Lloyd guy suddenly changed his mind about grabbing lunch and I didn't quite get where that was coming from. Maybe Preston told Spencer about it. Or maybe Eliott got suspicious and blabbed. Eliott had been standing at my hotel room doorstep with Preston right before it happened (although Eliott like everyone else had been pretty wasted). It is paranoia for sure, however this Preston thing won't just go away as time passes. Even if years go by, it can still be a game changer in this company dramedy. I'll just have to keep my cool and not panic like I'm panicking right now.

Sometimes I don't even know who I am any more. I really should be in a good place, I mean I have everything I wanted a year ago. The bad days (or nights) are outweighing the good ones. Every time I'm on a high, I'll go back to my apartment and be on a low again. I can't revel in the high for a little bit longer, it has to be a low immediately. At this rate there are more bad hours in a day than good ones. I probably have this black aura which scares people off. I need to be happy again, otherwise I'll die in the countryside. This place is definitely not where I picture myself dying.