Must be karma (IX)

Oh hell no. I know we're friends now, but even as a friend I don't want to hear things like "As a friend and as a person you're really great! But I don't wanna get you into bed anymore.^^" Oh really? Then why are you staring at my cleavage and noticing if other guys are checking me out?

Must be karma (VIII)

The past three weeks with Ian have been more stress- than joyful. I think I'm speaking for all of us, when I say that this - all the whining and moaning and tiny steps - is going nowhere. So as he suggested to stop seeing each other, I couldn't help but be a little relieved. It saved us from a lot of drama in the future. Ian might be a cool friend and a pretty hot guy too, but extremely insecure about himself. At first I was willing to put up with it because of the level of hotness. Later we both realized that it wasn't gonna happen - probably ever. Of course I was disapppointed, I didn't expect him to be so messed up. It's too bad. Well, maybe we can still hang out sometime. Am I paying for my own sins after all? Seems like it.

Must be karma (VII)

It's one thing to tell a guy that you're not looking for a relationship. It's a whole different story to hear from him that he's not looking for one. You're not relationship material, is what he's implying. I guess I'm not that surprised. I just finally understand how it feels to get treated like a rebound. Humiliating. ^^ Karma is a bitch.

Must be karma (VI)

Ian just told me that even though he'd be home this weekend, we couldn't see each other until next weekend, because he needed some regeneration time to himself in between two business trips. He said he hoped that I'd be patient and all. Yeah, right. Like we weren't already taking it slow enough. We barely started holding hands. I'm beginning to think that this is headed nowhere. I didn't make a scene of course, but I wasn't too glad about getting stood up either. I wasn't in the mood to talk at all, for that matter. How was I supposed to react? Getting the real treatment in the early dating stages, then what about later? Not very promising to be honest. Now I got one and a half weeks to reconsider what I want from Ian and if I still want it. In the meantime, there is always going out with someone else. Don't get me wrong, Ian is hot and a real distraction. But we're not officially dating and he's not exactly standing in front of me, is he? Like L keeps saying: Out of sight, out of mind or something.

Must be karma (V)

So I did what I had to do and sort of put myself out there. I even leaned in for a good night kiss, which wasn't unusual for me, but left for emergencies and special occasions. His surprised reaction was kinda sweet. Then he drove off into the sunset... Well, not exactly. He went on a business trip.

Later when he told me that he wasn't the text-every-day kind of guy, my first thought was "is he chickening out?", but I figured that I couldn't be bothered. If I wanted to talk to someone every day, I got the girls. There was no need to ruin everything by texting all the time and having nothing to talk about in person. Seems like I'm more chill about it than expected. I wonder if I will ever fall head over heels for someone again.

Must be karma (IV)

Thanks to the advice from Nev ("Don't be a stone!") and L, I scored myself another date with Ian. I did as Nev said and showed a little affection and stuff. I hated it. It made me feel vulnerable, it was like acting. But the outcome wasn't too bad! So maybe I didn't make a complete fool of myself.

I usually don't go out with guys who have "player" written all over their forehead. He isn't my type. He is very attractive though, and I like the way he looks at me. I basically picked Ian to go out with, because he ain't my type and I don't wanna get too attached. We're both not that impressionable, so it'll be interesting to watch if feelings get involved or not. I certainly hope not. To feel alive may feel great at first, but less great if it doesn't go both ways. We don't need this sort of distraction in our lives right now, it's overrated.

Must be karma (III)

It's been baby steps so far. If we keep this up, I'm afraid it will lead to another friend zone. We went out today and talked about all kinds of stuff. It was hard for me to open up about myself and my life. But not being able to show affection was the worst thing of all. I probably messed up bigtime, because I acted like I didn't care that much. I want to kick someone in the face right now. No, it feels like I got kicked in the head and I need some painkillers. Oh my God, talking about emotions is the hardest and most uncomfortable thing! >_<' Quack quack quack boom! Bam! Tik tok! Emotion explosion! :D

Must be karma (II)

I am known for being secretive, paranoid, unimpressionable and frosty. If I tried looking into Ian's eyes it'd partially be like looking into a mirror. It'd feel like being together and being alone. It'd be like: "I think you're hot and hard to figure out, a real challenge. Don't get closer, I'm a broken and empty soul. Don't ask me any questions that others aren't supposed to ask you either. I can't really open up to anyone, I can't truthfully love someone. I don't know why I'm even trying to talk to you, some of the things you say make me angry, they also remind me of me." Is it actually good or bad that people like us deserve each other? It's the first time someone else gets me some of my own medicine. It tastes like nothing and yet so bitterly familiar.

Must be karma

He said something like: I'm working out a lot these days, all because of a girl with a cute little hat.
I went: You've been working out for years! And I haven't seen any of it.
He went on: Just wait until summer. Maybe we'll go swimming or canoeing with the rest of the guys.
I went: Right, until summer! :D
He went: Children nowadays have no patience at all. Okay, then maybe in three weeks, when I move into my new place. I would've invited you to this place today, but it's really messy.
I lied: Unlike you, I got all the time and patience in the world!

Are you kidding me??? This guy is playing me. I hate this guy... Now I want him even more. I finally found myself a worthy match. Can you believe this.

Day of truth

After celebrating New Year's Eve with the entire group and feeling rather awkward about it, I used the first day of the new year to clear things up with the guys. I told Stan that I'd changed my mind about us and considered us friendzoned. He was a little disappointed, but didn't want to lose me as a friend. I told Ian that I liked him, which he was more than surprised to hear. How the hell did he not know? Alright, maybe I did keep my thoughts to myself, but usually guys can sense something at least. If it hadn't been for Nev getting on my nerves, I probably never would've said anything to anyone. Now that everyone knows where they're at, it feels like I made the right decision. There was a lot of drama at the NYE party with other people too, I'm expecting more drama in the near future. I'm exhausted and have some sleep to catch up to. Good night! :D