Relapse

Monday afternoon I seriously injured my back by lifting a bunch of merchandise at work. Quite frankly, I wasn't supposed to lift anything for many reasons, but I still did. That evening I went home to get some rest and as a result couldn't get up any more. If it weren't for Wyatt or my Mom being there, I'd still be lying on the couch. Even during my wheelchair days in 2008, I'd been able to get back on my feet without help. This came as quite a shock.

I've been taking some time off ever since, lying in bed and working out a little. The recovery is going well. Every day I'm bored to tears, I can't remember the last time I've been doing nothing for such a long time. But this compulsory break couldn't have come in a more convenient moment, it was exactly what I needed. Someone out there had sent me a warning to take it easy. Things always happen for a reason and I am grateful for that.

So Wyatt met my Mom this week. She wasn't convinced that country life was what I really wanted. I mean how could she be, when I'm not convinced myself. It's not part of my nature to live like this. Even if I can see myself spending the rest of my life here, I wouldn't want this for my future kids or my parents in their old age. 

Wyatt is doing everything to make me happy, he is the most attentive guy I know. He is incredibly smart, multi-talented, ambitious, quick-witted, straight-forward and he treats me like a princess. He looks at me like I'm the only woman in the world. We both noticed the tension between us for half a year, we just never thought of the other as dating material. Now I don't want to imagine life without this guy. Life with him won't be easy, but life without him will always leave me wondering about what could have been.

Better than ever

After all the downs at work there were some ups again. This entire week was a good one. Things just couldn't go wrong forever. I was alone all week and I got used to it fast. I always do.

Last weekend I introduced Wyatt to my sister. It is still early into the relationship, but I feel happy and adored and comfortable. We can talk about anything, even the uncomfortable stuff. I even started to sleep cuddle, which is basically impossible, because I need space in my subconscious. Personally I am in a good place, better than ever actually. In my heart I know that I won't be happy living in the countryside, but I am hopeful that I will change my mind. 

Working for the same company is a huge advantage for the both of us. When we get discovered, we're not gonna deny anything. On the contrary, we're gonna sell my car and drive to work together. We've been doing our jobs like nothing happened. Wyatt has been traveling and I've been staying behind to run the place. It'll be interesting to know which people will treat us differently. Right now we're still at the very beginning, but things change quickly around here. I am counting on it.

Think again

You think times are rough now?
Think again. They can easily get rougher.
You think this time you won't be able to recover from this?
Think again. You've done it before and you'll do it again.
You think you're on your own here?
Think again. If you can make it here, you can make it anywhere.

I've been seeing Wyatt for seven weeks now. We are crazy about each other, which is exciting and scary at the same time. Nobody at work has the slightest clue. There are other couples who got married before they started working together. We met through work and never seemed like the obvious couple. Wyatt and I are new and inexperienced, which is why we get underestimated a lot. We want to prove ourselves before we reveal our relationship status. The plan is to be irreplaceable individually, and as a result, be even more irreplaceable as a package. Many people will hate the idea of us being together. They will hate it even more, when they realize what they are potentially up against. Until then, we need to quietly do our jobs, be very patient and disciplined. Eventually, it will all be worth it.

Bring the shit on

I am definitely going through a rough time at work. Len is trying to be critical in a nicer way, but I do feel treated worse than others. He is giving me shit the way he gives the Asian guys all the time. It's just that he doesn't even consider me part of the Asian squad. So I receive shit like an Asian person, but don't get to enjoy the benefits of being Asian. I'm basically nobody to him and I can't deal with that in the long run. I am disappointed in Len whom I considered a greater judge of character. I do think that I am one of the Asian guys, and like any of those guys I would do anything for our boss. We're all here because of Len. We're obviously not here for anyone else, we're all counting on Len to have our backs. We certainly don't enjoy living on the countryside with no good food and no entertainment and no family or friends. Most days are a struggle. I am sad for him, because he takes his own people for granted. Particularly in a foreign country like this he needs all the loyalty he can get. I know that he will go through many rough times on his own, he'll be surprised to learn that his ways and methods clearly won't be working here.

All I want is to feel I belong here. Things are still very much on and getting more serious with Wyatt. In an ideal world we would have met in a different place under different circumstances. Now that we've met in this village in this company, all we can do is keep doing our jobs without getting discovered for as long as possible. Someone will find out eventually and will put both our jobs at risk. I do have something to lose now. I am prepared that people can be cruel sometimes. I'm not gonna let go out of fear.

Nothing to lose

A year ago all that mattered to me was money and a job I didn't hate. That's how I took the job and moved all the way to Bavaria. After a very short time I realized that it wasn't enough. I got paid well, yes. I didn't hate my work, yes. Was I lucky? Very much. Was I happy? Well, I got nothing to lose.

The only thing that kept me going was a boss I believed in. I believed that Len knew what he was doing, Len could teach me the real stuff without even being around much, Len was going to have my back. I believed that he knew I was a loyal member of his squad, because this squad was all I got. Nobody else gave a crap about me.

Times are rough right now, but they will get even rougher. I'm working my ass off day and night, very often it isn't enough. The only person who remotely appears like a mentor to me is Aiden. Aiden's office is in a different building, he is just as busy as the big bosses, he is under the same amount of pressure and he gets a lot of shit from all directions too. But he is trying to keep his humanity.

Not only do I have to build my positive energy up everyday, since I get crushed almost everyday. I am also trying not to lose faith in Len who gives me nothing but negativity everyday. Somehow I manage to find courage and comfort after getting crushed again. Somehow I know that circumstances won't change for the better, no matter how hard I try. I can change the way I work, but I can't change others and the way they treat people. I am here, because I'm not ready to quit my job without a fight.

I guess when you accept a gift, you have to give up something else. In my case it's one boss for one Wyatt or something.

Wyatt is working on a project in my hometown area. Every Friday afternoon he heads back and we get to see each other all weekend. There is something special about Wyatt. He has a lot of qualities that I admire and he looks at me like I'm the only girl in the world. I wish I could still say that I have absolutely nothing to lose. Am I lucky? Very much. Am I happy? Never been happier.

I could get used to this

I don't know if I will ever be able to love again.

I have found this great guy who cares about me, who is serious about me, who wants to make me happy. We have this amazing connection, I am incredibly attracted to him and I admire a lot of things about him. Sounds like a dream and I could totally get used to being this happy.

I guess I am always preparing myself for the worst. I have made many mistakes in the past. All I know is how to heal fast after getting hurt. I have learned to get up and start over. Now imagine being in love for real and having to heal after that. Sounds like a living nightmare. There is no recovering from that.

I want to let my guard down for this guy, I just don't know if I can.

It wasn't just me

Friday 29th Wyatt took me to the carnival. He said whenever we ran into each other at work, it made his entire day. When he dropped me off at 1 AM in the morning, we awkwardly said goodbye. Not exactly what I'd had in mind. I watched him speed down the road and I got mad at myself for wanting to invite him over, but not wanting to come on too strong. At home we texted each other almost simultaneously. "You shouldn't have left in such a rush," I teased. "What do you mean?" he asked. "It means that you could've stayed for a minute," I nervously replied. "Cute. Wish I had known. You could've told me," he typed back. "Thought you could read my mind," I laughed. "Should I come back?" he asked. "How long would you be driving?" "20 minutes." Shit, that sounded like a long drive. "Come back if you feel like it." "Are you kidding? ... I'm on my way right now!!!"

Later he claimed that he drove real slow to make sure that nothing happened to him on his way back. The last few days we've been motorcycling, talking, walking around and driving to different towns in the area to hide from people that knew us. I got to know a very different side of him. The Wyatt that I knew all this time was hard-working, multi-talented, quick-witted, bold, feisty, impulsive and dramatic. He was nothing like the guys I usually went for. Wyatt is all of that, but he is also the most creative, observant, thoughtful, caring and protective person. He tells stories the way they really are and isn't afraid to show vulnerability. I used to think that all there was to it was physical chemistry, I mean the chemistry was indeed mind blowing. Now I know that it was his intense gaze that gave me the chills. He felt it too. It wasn't just me. 

I enjoy having him around, but I am still very much behind in the emotional department. He is serious about the whole thing, while I am still trying to wrap my head around it. I never even pictured us together, although he was hot. I thought we were very different people, he was too young and a country boy. There is also a problem with our work situation, if people find out it will change everything. I haven't mentioned him to anyone, because I need to figure this out on my own. There are just two things that I can be sure of. First, I was wrong about him and he does have a lot of qualities that I am looking for in a guy. Second, I can't stay in the countryside, not even for a great guy. 

Maybe I'm amazed

Tuesday morning I was coincidently in Larry's office, when he sent Mickey and Wyatt on another mission. While Mickey packed his suitcase, Wyatt came looking for me to say goodbye. I didn't feel well, so I went home after lunch. The guys got there after a three-hour drive, finished fast and were supposed to head back the next morning. "Will I see you tomorrow," I wrote. "I sure hope so," Wyatt replied.

Wednesday morning I felt even worse and stayed at home. Mickey texted me that they were driving to a different customer and not returning as planned. By 3 PM they got back to the company. By 4 I got a text from Wyatt that said "Are you home already?" "Yeah, when I heard you weren't coming back, I was so sad and left," I teased him. "Had to work faster, thought you were waiting for me," he said. It was the cutest thing anyone could have said to me. 

Thursday afternoon Wyatt insisted on coming over and cooking me something. Usually I didn't like inviting people to my place. I'd had three colleagues over in almost a year, only one of them stayed longer than a few minutes. I wanted to see Wyatt though. I was nervous, but I decided I didn't care if he saw me wearing glasses and without any make-up on.

So he came over and brought food, chocolate and tea. "During the first two months you basically talked to everyone but me. I thought you were afraid of me or something. At the summer bash I sat down next to you and you walked away," he joked. I looked at him in disbelief. That's how I found out that he'd noticed me from the very beginning. 

When he was about to go home, I was wondering what would happen next. He simply pulled me into his arms - I was amazed how strong his pull was - and hugged me. And I didn't feel like letting go at all.

Blown out of the water

One week after I went back to work, Wyatt also returned from a long business trip. I saw him arrive in one of our cars at lunchtime, as Percy and I were headed to town towards the opposite direction. While running from one building to the other in the afternoon, I saw Wyatt push a cart across the parking lot. His face lit up with surprise and he nervously hugged me back. It was our second hug after he had drunkenly hugged me at the Christmas party. We talked for a minute, then I ran for the door and yelled "I gotta be somewhere right now, talk to you later okay?" At that moment I thought I wouldn't see him again that day. But less than an hour passed and he showed up at my office doorstep. Ever since then he always kept in touch. Once he texted me he was hoping to return from a business trip at normal hours, so I'd still be there.

Sunday evening we went for a ride. He said he usually didn't like curly hair, but I looked really pretty with curls. He had noticed in the parking lot the other day. When he dropped me off, I wanted to kiss him. Instead I jumped out of the car fast before anything could happen. Wyatt and I have always had this crazy physical chemistry. There is something intense and totally wrong about this guy. I think it will only be a matter of time until we go out again, because this guy knows what he wants and will go for it. Gotta admit it's a huge turn-on.

Ghost

The week started off strong. I'd never been happier since I got here, in almost a year that is. It all came to a crushing end, when my boss Len questioned me about the purpose of my being here. Right there I knew he wanted to challenge me, but it still felt like my three-week absence went unnoticed after all.

I am very aware that I haven't reached my full potential and I haven't done everything to make it happen. When people ask about my job, I obviously can't say I'm the person who speaks to every last individual and therefore can make things happen for them or through them. What kind of job description would that be. But it's the truth and if Len doesn't care for my qualities, then my position means nothing and can easily be replaced.

I have stopped reporting to Len a while ago, because it never occurred to him to protect me from Barry. Barry is one heck of a two-faced guy. His one side makes you wanna believe in Santa, the other one will destroy you with a sympathetic smile on the lips. You won't even notice you got screwed over by him. And when you fall to your death, he starts preparing for the day you come back from the dead. He'll be there with open arms treating you like a long lost puppy. That's Barry. If Len ain't protecting me from that, then all I can do is lay low. Not exactly what I got hired for.

Today has been rough. I have to constantly remind myself of who I am and what I am capable of. It doesn't matter that the Asian crew has my back. If I don't have Len's approval, I can't be sure of anything anymore. Nobody knows what I am going through on a daily basis. It's not the task in itself that is hard, it's getting no validation whatsoever for things that you can't even grasp.

I already know

Yes, I can take a hint. I may be stupid, but not a fool.

How can anyone be so composed.

Let me go and I will go further. Let me go and I will not return.

This is not a place for any of us to stay.

I'm not asking these questions, because I already know all the answers.

Without you, I don't know if I can keep going for another year.

Without you, there is no one left that I'm staying for.

It took me a while to realize how much I needed you.

You made it easier for me to stay.

When I leave, you'll make sure that I won't look back.

I may be stupid for letting you break my heart.

But I will get up fast, I always do.

Right out of the plane

Even though it turned out to be one of the most stressful and intense vacations, I had the time of my life in Asia. I ate everything I wanted, I bought everything I needed and more, I took lots of beautiful pictures, I got my hair and lashes done, I met family and friends, I visited Grandpa's grave, I went to the temple, I made wonderful new memories and also got some closure.

Right out of the plane, I went back to work and got an overwhelming welcome from a group of people. It was the right decision to take off for three weeks, it gave my superiors and colleagues a chance and enough time to miss me. :) But most importantly, it gave me a chance to work on myself, be aware of what I can do, be happy for once and come back stronger than before.

The real work begins after work. I have to do everything I can to distract myself from the isolation here. It is a struggle that I can never and should never get used to. I stopped talking to my coworkers about the struggle though, they never cared anyway.

Mickey and I kept in touch every other day during my vacation. Him and Darren even picked me up from the train station. I still couldn't help but feel like Mickey was starting to pull away a little. Yesterday he suggested we go on a trip on Labor Day, because I might not see much of him in the second half of the year. He'd be living the nomadic life like Winston, who would only be around every forth or fifth weekend.

There is no doubt in my mind that there is more to this than a platonic friendship. This even goes beyond the fun part, since we've been friends for almost a year now. It's just that we're both cowards. The risk of losing everything has never been higher. I can't put everything on the line for something that is so uncertain and will bring about so many consequences. I wish letting go wouldn't hurt at all.

Right now is all we ever gonna get

The week was stressful, but I got to see Mickey at work everyday. I really enjoyed hanging out for an entire week after we came back from our weekend trip. We didn't say goodbye to each other though. Tomorrow he'll be leaving for the rest of Europe and when he returns I'll already be gone.

I knew that this wasn't going anywhere. I knew that I was going to be left with absolutely nothing. And my heart was meant to be broken again. Yet I wouldn't have done it any differently, because these few days have been the happiest days I could have asked for.

This Friday turns out to be particularly difficult again, but there is no point in forcing things. Right now is all we ever gonna get. I am grateful that it ends on a high and will never get ugly. One more week to go, then I'll be on my way to Asia. Everything hurts a little less, when I think about leaving. I'm going home.

What do you mean

Last weekend Mickey and I went on a spontaneous trip together. We met Jerome Boateng, which was huge for a football fan like myself.

I didn't know that Mickey hadn't told the other guys. It caused an uproar within the Asian crew, since nobody had seen this coming. Me and Mickey on an overnight trip just the two of us. Honestly, I couldn't even tell if there was anything to be excited about. He was the perfect gentleman the entire time and didn't take advantage of any possible situations. Then again he wouldn't have suggested to stay for two days if he thought there was nothing there. We went for an evening walk arm in arm as heavy snow flakes were covering us. And when I borrowed his shoulder to sleep on our train ride back, he didn't mind at all. Today we learned that he'd be traveling across Europe in a few days, so he asked if I could meet him somewhere along the way. What does this even mean.

Sometimes I tell myself that Mickey is cute and all, but it'll pass as usual. Sometimes I feel sad, because I know he will get married at some point and I don't have a say in anything. I will laugh it off while my heart is broken. I still have to work with this guy. On this particular trip, I felt happy like I hadn't felt in years.

Guard up

Four members of the Asian crew returned this morning. After opening my presents, Darren, Mickey and I started bickering and kicking each others' asses. A month without them hadn't been so bad, nothing major had happened except for Nolan's firing. Then when the guys walked in again, I realized I felt safe. There are lots of nice people around, but the Asian crew has my back and we really need each other.

I am starting to find my place in this mess. A lot of distractions have disappeared. Nolan got himself hospitalized again, I can't put up with this guy's addiction and denial issues any longer. Percy is on another sick leave for mental instability, I just could not care less for him. Wesley still is the greatest and nicest guy ever, that's all there is to it. At some point I also need to get over the whole Mickey thing, it's not gonna happen. I have been hanging out with Killian and Wyatt recently, they both are ticking time bombs. Cory has finally given up on me and is a pain in the ass to Sid now.

I am not sure about Sid yet. One day we could be the new Sally & Henrietta, a better version that is. Sally and Henrietta have been ultimate work BFFs for years, they'd even share one hotel room on a business trip. People assumed that I would share with Melania, even though it wasn't true. I've never been a girls' girl, so it would be a surprise if Sid and I ever got there. We're still at the very beginning and nobody knows about tomorrow. I'm gonna sit back and let things take its course.

In my mind I am already vacationing in Shanghai enjoying a hectic program and amazing feasts. There is no place else I'd rather be.

Last September

In September my parents planned to come over to celebrate my Mom's birthday together. They ended up only staying for a day, as an old friend in the north suddenly passed away. It was the first time I ever attended a funeral, but I knew it wasn't going to remain the only one. We stayed at my Grandpa Martin's place during those days in the north and visited my Grandma Johanna at a care home. She didn't recognize any of us.

When we moved to Europe many years ago, we used to be completely on our own. We had no relatives, not many friends, not much money. It was just us and a possible ph.D. degree for my father. This elderly couple basically had been in our lives from Day 1. Martin and Johanna became my grandparents, when I was 3 years old. They were there for us, when my maternal grandparents couldn't and my paternal grandparents didn't care about us. As long as they didn't have a grandchild of their own, they treated me like their grandchild. Even after they had six real grandchildren and we rarely saw each other any more, I knew that I was the very first one. How do you beat that.

This week my Mom tells me that Grandpa Martin got diagnosed with liver cancer and rejected further treatment. He'll soon leave the hospital and go home, Mom will head over there for a few days. I probably won't see him again. I can look back at lots of amazing memories from over two decades, I learned so much from the both of them. I regret that we all didn't make more of an effort in recent years, but we did have a wonderful time last September. I'll always cherish that.

Anxiety

Last week I'd been wondering if new guy Lloyd was actually afraid of me. Seemed like I really was paranoid, because he joined us for lunch several times after that. Llyod is rather shy, but he has a surprisingly cute smile. He spent a couple of years in the UK and is one of the few people at the company who went to college. There is something sweet and nerdy about him, I really hope to find out if we have more in common. He will get sent on business trips a lot, I'm afraid I won't see much of him any more.

After meeting Camden in Bavaria two weeks ago, we hung out again in my hometown. We do have stuff in common and stuff to laugh about. It's easy with Camden, he is from the States and has a very bubbly personality. I think he wouldn't mind going out for real or something, but I'm scared. He isn't my usual type, there isn't this instant attraction or tension that I'm looking for.

There is more tension with some people at work, people that I see on a regular basis and can't date for obvious reasons. The physical chemistry that I have with Wyatt for example is mind blowing. Then there is Wesley. Smart, genuine, kind and totally my type. You gotta be head over heels for someone when you start seeing them, right? It's not a good sign if it's not there to begin with.

I can't explain why this whole Camden thing is freaking me out so much. Maybe I just don't want to waste any more time on dating guys that I'm not madly in love with. I don't know if I should give it more time before shutting things down and regretting them.

Is that you

Preston turned out to be the biggest mistake ever. It already felt wrong to begin with, now it feels like it could slowly ruin my life. Every time a co-worker says something out of the ordinary or behaves in a weird way, I get paranoid. Spencer used to light up whenever he saw me, Killian and I used to be kind of close. Today this new Lloyd guy suddenly changed his mind about grabbing lunch and I didn't quite get where that was coming from. Maybe Preston told Spencer about it. Or maybe Eliott got suspicious and blabbed. Eliott had been standing at my hotel room doorstep with Preston right before it happened (although Eliott like everyone else had been pretty wasted). It is paranoia for sure, however this Preston thing won't just go away as time passes. Even if years go by, it can still be a game changer in this company dramedy. I'll just have to keep my cool and not panic like I'm panicking right now.

Sometimes I don't even know who I am any more. I really should be in a good place, I mean I have everything I wanted a year ago. The bad days (or nights) are outweighing the good ones. Every time I'm on a high, I'll go back to my apartment and be on a low again. I can't revel in the high for a little bit longer, it has to be a low immediately. At this rate there are more bad hours in a day than good ones. I probably have this black aura which scares people off. I need to be happy again, otherwise I'll die in the countryside. This place is definitely not where I picture myself dying.

Fate

Friday nights are tough. This Friday was tough in particular, because the entire Asian crew went home for Lunar New Year. I still believe that Mickey does have feelings for me, just not enough to make a move and risk everything. And of course there is the girlfriend situation. Darren teases us a lot about it. Darren doesn't even know half of the story. Mickey and I hang on the phone for hours, when he is on business trips or when his roommates play cards without him. I'm scared of the day when Mickey announces his engagement. Since Darren has gotten married a couple of months ago, Mickey is the last guy standing. I don't want to lose him, but I obviously can't say anything. It's tough.

Nolan got himself hospitalized this week. I'm guessing he mixed pills with alcohol and poisoned himself by accident. He'd never admit it though. One time he dissolved pain killers in red wine and drank it right in front of me. This guy seriously lives in denial.

Percy is on sick leave due to mental instability. I'd already known before Killian walked around telling everyone about it. People can be cruel sometimes. Thank God I didn't get involved with Percy last year. Everything happens for a reason, even if I don't see it at the time.

It will get worse before it gets better

Preston looks like a member of a boyband and I'm not into that look. I never noticed him before. It was the most random thing ever and I didn't feel like it at all. Like my life wasn't complicated enough. Now I have to worry about people finding out. I bet they already have.

After spending the holidays by the Aegean Sea and in my old home England, I returned to Bavaria with lots of new energy and confidence. That lasted for a week.

Nolan got fired by the end of my first week back at work. I believe he is an alcoholic and addicted to pills. I'm not gonna listen to the same old shit over and over again. And maybe I want to believe for a minute that there is no evil out there and that he only has himself to blame. I'm not ready to get pulled down again, I can barely hang in there myself.

People that I used to be close to have put their guards up, while other people aren't who I thought they would be. At first I hoped it was only a little paranoia, but unlucky for me it wasn't just in my head. 

Killian and I used to talk or text all the time. Now I can never get ahold of him and when we do run into each other, he acts like a stranger. This usually means that you somehow managed to offend him. He will spread the news that you aren't trustworthy or something. The sad thing is that I actually do care about Killian. He is one out of two co-workers that I will miss if I were to leave this place. 

I have no idea what I'm doing exactly. I just know that I have a job to do. Losing Greg, Melania, Killian and Nolan all within a month is a good reminder that I'm not here to make friends. Or maybe it's not losing if you never had it to begin with. It gets harder to remain excited about work, when you have absolutely nobody there that you're looking forward to seeing. It's not like Mickey and Wes are around that much.