On my own or turn into a chamelon

Working for a Asian boss in a Western company is harder than I thought it would be. The Asians want me to be one of the Europeans, but they treat me like an Asian. The Europeans also want me to be one of the Europeans, but they're disappointed if I'm not Asians enough to smooth things over for them. The truth is, I can give them the information they want, but that wouldn't be Asians style.

I can't even complain that nobody could survive in this environment. My boss is the ultimate chameleon, maybe even better than my little brother Thomas who is the complete chameleon package. I just have to follow his lead and become more like him. I have to make everybody feel like I am on their side. Whereas I know for a fact that nobody will ever be on my side.

This is what true loneliness is. After work I go back to my hotel room, buy something to eat, skype with my family and friends at home and then hope that my co-worker Nolan wants to hang out. It's pretty pathetic. There is no one else I can trust but Nolan. Unfortunately, he has been trying to keep the distance, ever since we had a drunken sleepover last week. Nothing happened, he just realized it couldn't happen again I guess. The only comfort right now is the money, I wonder how long that happy feeling gonna last.

Stop being stupid!

I feel stupid. Because I often settle for less.

I feel stupid. Because I am not good at opening up to others. Which can't be confused with TMI. Because that I am good at.

I feel stupid. Because guys only like my looks.

I feel stupid. Because I feel rejected, even though I don't like them that much either.

I feel stupid. Because dating a co-worker is never a good idea, especially if there are no real feelings involved.

I feel stupid. Because once you worry about appearing too needy, you already are.

All is (not) happening for a reason right now. I'll understand someday.