Nothing to lose

A year ago all that mattered to me was money and a job I didn't hate. That's how I took the job and moved all the way to Bavaria. After a very short time I realized that it wasn't enough. I got paid well, yes. I didn't hate my work, yes. Was I lucky? Very much. Was I happy? Well, I got nothing to lose.

The only thing that kept me going was a boss I believed in. I believed that Len knew what he was doing, Len could teach me the real stuff without even being around much, Len was going to have my back. I believed that he knew I was a loyal member of his squad, because this squad was all I got. Nobody else gave a crap about me.

Times are rough right now, but they will get even rougher. I'm working my ass off day and night, very often it isn't enough. The only person who remotely appears like a mentor to me is Aiden. Aiden's office is in a different building, he is just as busy as the big bosses, he is under the same amount of pressure and he gets a lot of shit from all directions too. But he is trying to keep his humanity.

Not only do I have to build my positive energy up everyday, since I get crushed almost everyday. I am also trying not to lose faith in Len who gives me nothing but negativity everyday. Somehow I manage to find courage and comfort after getting crushed again. Somehow I know that circumstances won't change for the better, no matter how hard I try. I can change the way I work, but I can't change others and the way they treat people. I am here, because I'm not ready to quit my job without a fight.

I guess when you accept a gift, you have to give up something else. In my case it's one boss for one Wyatt or something.

Wyatt is working on a project in my hometown area. Every Friday afternoon he heads back and we get to see each other all weekend. There is something special about Wyatt. He has a lot of qualities that I admire and he looks at me like I'm the only girl in the world. I wish I could still say that I have absolutely nothing to lose. Am I lucky? Very much. Am I happy? Never been happier.

I could get used to this

I don't know if I will ever be able to love again.

I have found this great guy who cares about me, who is serious about me, who wants to make me happy. We have this amazing connection, I am incredibly attracted to him and I admire a lot of things about him. Sounds like a dream and I could totally get used to being this happy.

I guess I am always preparing myself for the worst. I have made many mistakes in the past. All I know is how to heal fast after getting hurt. I have learned to get up and start over. Now imagine being in love for real and having to heal after that. Sounds like a living nightmare. There is no recovering from that.

I want to let my guard down for this guy, I just don't know if I can.

It wasn't just me

Friday 29th Wyatt took me to the carnival. He said whenever we ran into each other at work, it made his entire day. When he dropped me off at 1 AM in the morning, we awkwardly said goodbye. Not exactly what I'd had in mind. I watched him speed down the road and I got mad at myself for wanting to invite him over, but not wanting to come on too strong. At home we texted each other almost simultaneously. "You shouldn't have left in such a rush," I teased. "What do you mean?" he asked. "It means that you could've stayed for a minute," I nervously replied. "Cute. Wish I had known. You could've told me," he typed back. "Thought you could read my mind," I laughed. "Should I come back?" he asked. "How long would you be driving?" "20 minutes." Shit, that sounded like a long drive. "Come back if you feel like it." "Are you kidding? ... I'm on my way right now!!!"

Later he claimed that he drove real slow to make sure that nothing happened to him on his way back. The last few days we've been motorcycling, talking, walking around and driving to different towns in the area to hide from people that knew us. I got to know a very different side of him. The Wyatt that I knew all this time was hard-working, multi-talented, quick-witted, bold, feisty, impulsive and dramatic. He was nothing like the guys I usually went for. Wyatt is all of that, but he is also the most creative, observant, thoughtful, caring and protective person. He tells stories the way they really are and isn't afraid to show vulnerability. I used to think that all there was to it was physical chemistry, I mean the chemistry was indeed mind blowing. Now I know that it was his intense gaze that gave me the chills. He felt it too. It wasn't just me. 

I enjoy having him around, but I am still very much behind in the emotional department. He is serious about the whole thing, while I am still trying to wrap my head around it. I never even pictured us together, although he was hot. I thought we were very different people, he was too young and a country boy. There is also a problem with our work situation, if people find out it will change everything. I haven't mentioned him to anyone, because I need to figure this out on my own. There are just two things that I can be sure of. First, I was wrong about him and he does have a lot of qualities that I am looking for in a guy. Second, I can't stay in the countryside, not even for a great guy.