I thought I'd be happy (III)

How often can a heart break for the same reason. Too often. It mends a little and it breaks a little again.

I thought I'd be happy by now. And I would be if it weren't for Percy. I can't be happy about anything right now. All I can think of, is what I don't have.

He just can't leave me alone. He always gives this little speech and this little promise, then he takes it all back. I call his BS, but I'm still suffering. I've been going crazy, ever since I got involved with this craziness. Not a second of it was worth it.

I wanna go back in time and unknow everything Percy has said to me. He is the reason why I can't enjoy anything anymore. Why everything that I have doesn't seem to be enough anymore. It's not about Percy in particular as it is about the idea of falling for someone. Percy doesn't care about me one bit, he enjoys the attention at most (exactly as I said 5 months ago). So stop lying to yourself and start seeing him for who he really is.

I thought I'd be happy by now. But I'm just getting unhappier by the minute.

I thought I'd be happy (II)

I went through a lot to get where I am today. When I put all that behind, I was convinced I'd finally be happy. I thought I'd finally be able to live a little, be grateful for coming this far.

Today I received this month's salary and it didn't make me happy. In fact, it felt like I was growing unhappier with each passing day. I didn't go through so much trouble to give up fighting. I am fighting every day, because I want to deliver good work and get along with everybody. But it only keeps me distracted during the day. At home I realize once again it's all BS.

The only thing I still believe in is the big boss, as he appears to be someone who knows what he is doing. There is no one else that I can trust and depend on anymore. I'm on my own.

I thought I'd be happy

Mickey will be at home in China for a month. I haven't seen much of him lately, he's been working all across Europe. I thought I could live like that, but I can't.

Six months ago all that mattered to me was money and a job that I didn't hate. Friends I could make along the way. Shopping I could do online or in Munich or somewhere else. I thought I was going to figure it out, but I was wrong.

During my first month in Bavaria, I hung out with two people after work. I haven't met anyone else since then. Coworkers are not friends. Most of my coworkers are married with children and/or not interested in hanging out after work.

I can't picture myself marrying a local guy and staying in this place forever. I need to eat authentic Asian food regularly, I need to buy clothes that nobody else is wearing, I need to hang out with people who are like me, I need to reach either Frankfurt or Munich Airport within an hour.

At least Mickey knows for a fact that this small town life without any family or friends won't be forever. He has something to look forward to. I have absolutely nothing and nothing to be sure of.

All I have now is a decent income and a job I don't hate, exactly what I wished for. I thought I'd be happy, but I'm not.

Reckless

I have always been stupid and now I am also getting reckless. It's not enough to talk less in front of gossipy people. It is the quiet, trustworthy people that will betray you one day. I have to always keep that in mind.

When I moved to this place, I planned to keep a low profile and be as invisible as possible. Now I am one of the most high-profile and in-your-face people around. I know it will come back to bite me.

I am a troublemaker and not afraid to make things happen, though often too hastily. I will use the next few weeks to regroup and work on my patience. Thinking things through has always paid off in the past. People who want to take me down are watching out for my mistakes, if I'm not careful. I just have to stay quite calm and watch out for theirs too. Maybe I need to join a class, patience just isn't my strong suit. :D

Day and night

The construction works on our new company building are still ongoing. It looks like they didn't do anything (worth mentioning) in a week. While I was gone, parking had been prohibited in front of my apartment for construction works as well. I had to park somewhere down the street.

The first thing I did on this Saturday afternoon was grocery shopping to fill my empty fridge. In the parking lot I spotted Tracy's car. I cursed a little bit and then went straight inside without trying to hide from her. I mean I spent a week at a European exhibit. I spent day and night with a large group of coworkers, superiors, agency witches, business partners and clients from all of Europe. Day and night we were together like one big happy family. I saw members of my big family at breakfast, when they were still waking up for the day. I saw family before bedtime, when I could barely open my eyes anymore. I got to know things about them that I hadn't known before, not all of it was great stuff. So why would I freak out about some ridiculous smalltalk with Tracy? I had absolutely nothing to be nervous about after mingling at and handling an exhibition like that. Best preparation anyone could ever ask for to deal with all the Tracys out there.

At the beginning I was still thinking about Percy, but I restrained from contacting him on my part. As the week went on, I got to know some of the nicer business partners. A few of my favorite coworkers (Wesley, Cory, Greg and Wyatt) started showing up too, so I didn't care for Percy that much anymore. Percy texted that he was thinking about me, I didn't even respond to it. He asked if he did anything wrong. I could honestly tell him that everything was fine. I was fine again. Of course I don't know how I will feel when I see him Monday morning, but I am not too worried. The business trip really helped me focus on other things. I know I will be fine and maybe he will become a part in my life on some very platonic level. Isn't that nice.

Hit the road

I wouldn't say that I want to leave for the exhibit. I can't say that I'm ready to work 15 hours a day, 6 days straight, and leave Percy behind. I just know I have to do it no matter what and the timing couldn't be better.

I've been trying to go on dates, text and call other guys. Nothing has kept my mind off of him. The exhibit is my chance. The only reason why I am so focused on this entire thing, is because I am married to my job and don't have a life in the real world. I don't wanna curse or be mad at him. I just can't live like this anymore.

He may be my type, but there are plenty of great guys out there who could be my type as well. This is the typical big fish little pond scenario. He is this nice small town boy with a cute smile who can't really make up his mind, he never was nor will be the guy for me. I promised before I wouldn't settle. I now promise I won't settle for someone who doesn't like me as much as I like them. I'm not a small town girl, I'm not gonna stick around, I have to always remember that.

Broken hearted at work

Yesterday I told Percy that it'd been kinda hard for me, because I liked him. I was glad that I would be gone for the exhibit next week and then be fine again. He said he had no idea. I said he wasn't the only one who acted different at work.

How was I supposed to feel? There was this guy who told me he had feelings for me (for five months already), but we couldn't be together anyway. Five months ago I liked him too and then put it behind me. Today knowing what I know, it's even worse. Too painful.

Later in the evening we met for drinks. Nolan, Percy and I. We had a great time. It is difficult to be mad at Percy. I don't want to be mad at a coworker with whom I actually get along with. I will use the time at the exhibition to heal and feel good about myself again. At some point maybe I will develop the kind of friendship with Percy that I have with Nolan now. I'm not sure I can let this go quickly and that is okay. I'm not superhuman, I've been alone all this time and I'm hurting.

I can't do this

Percy still can't leave me alone, although he seems strong enough not to see me after work. He keeps sending flirtatious texts and he has this cute smile which would make anyone's heart melt. I need to let go, because he is taking me for granted and he can't make up his mind. One minute he says he is jealous if I go on dates, the next minute he says we need to text less. He can do whatever he wants, while I can't do anything. It really affects my mood. I know I don't wanna lose him as a friend too, but I can't go on like this. It's just too hard.

Back to June

We're back to June. My day started off good. I went to a meeting with the sales department in the afternoon. Afterwards all of us stood in the kitchen eating sandwiches, when I saw Percy and his guys chatting in the parking lot ready to head home. He looked cute and it really hurt seeing him. So we're back to June again, when I had first noticed the quiet redhead with those piercing green eyes.

We both agreed to keep talking and texting. And maybe I'm hoping for something to change his mind. Or maybe I hope having him in my life long enough will make me realize it isn't a good fit, but until then I don't have to not have him in my life. It's the stupidest thing ever, I know. I will get over it eventually, I always do.

On Thursday I'm going on a date with a funny, cute guy. I do look forward to it, although I can't quite stop thinking about Percy yet. Right now the most important thing to me is that our staff is happy. Our company needs him more than I do. He is doing the right thing for the both of us, it's everyone else's happiness before our own. Now I wish I'd never known he liked me all this time.

You won't see me fall apart

So Percy told me this morning that nothing could happen between us. It hurt a little, but there was a lot of relief. I mean it's better sooner than later, right? If it already hurts physically now, how will it feel later down the road. I can't be so vulnerable and exposed, particularly not because of someone like Percy. It's not worth the heartache, it's not worth compromising my position at work. Yesterday and all week I've been over the moon. Now it seems like it's been a bad fantasy. I guess someone is out there shielding me from the real pain. I just don't know what I am doing anymore. I'm gonna cry a little about my own stupidity and then move on like I always do.

A few months ago I said to Nolan that I couldn't picture myself living in the countryside for long, it would be way too lonely for me. When I wanna cry I listen to Sia's Elastic Heart. Why does my chest hurt so much, I don't understand it at all. I could say that I wished Percy had never approached me like that, however, it's not completely true. It felt different to dream a little again. The heart wants what it wants and now it will take more than two days to mend it. 

There is no such thing as the right thing

When Nolan came back from his July vacation with a new girlfriend, I thought my heart was broken. But I was just being overly dramatic. After two weeks it was same old, same old. One night in August, he was so drunk I gave him a ride to his hotel. We made out and he said that he loved me. I did not feel anything at the moment. So I went home. The next day he didn't remember what had happened. Now we're back to being friends, maybe even closer than we used to be. The tension is gone.

Work is stressing me out more than ever. I am trying to hold on to the staff members that want to leave us, while shaking off the threatening vibes I get from others. When I walk through the offices and halls, I try to talk to as many people as I can. It is difficult. When you focus on the big picture, you lose sight of the small details. Once my boss gives up on us and moves back to hometown, other bosses will jump right at my throat and crush me. Greg who is about to hand in his resignation, suggested I write a book. Who would even read shit like that. It sounds like a very bad daytime soap opera.

Adding to the drama, I have been responding to some advances from Percy. Back in May/June it'd felt like there was something there between us. A couple days later he told me he was about to become a father. I spent two days mending my broken heart realizing there was nothing there. It didn't take long. Now I guess I hadn't been imagining things after all. I have been alone and vulnerable ever since I got here, but I also know the Percy thing makes me a bad person.

And then there is Mickey. Recently he started traveling to our customers all across Europe, so we barely see each other any more. We have been talking over the phone for weeks. Mickey also has a girlfriend back home in Asia, so he would never take the first step. I believe it wouldn't work out with us anyway. Not that it could work out with Percy either. None of it would.

This remote Bavarian workplace is a messed up playground and it brings out the worst in people who used to be kind or stupid. My boss told me to never lose my carefree nature or grow up and stop doing the right thing. Well guess what, boss, I have to protect my own skin if you're not doing anything to protect it. I need a raise to put up with this crap for the long run.