Romantic send-off stories

In January I asked Ray out and got rejected. He said he wasn't interested in a relationship at this point and he was sorry if I had received any mixed signals. It was fine, because I wasn't exactly looking for a relationship either. We kept writing each other for weeks until it cooled off.

This Sunday, Jason and I were having drinks at a local pub, when Ray and a bunch of people surprisingly walked in. What were the odds?? We were all pretty excited about running into each other. After asking them to join our table, I told Ray that I was moving to Bavaria in a week. The two of us talked the entire evening and had a great time. On my way home, I had a feeling that he'd get in touch the same night, even though he'd never written at this late hour. I got an email by 1.30 AM, he wished me the best of luck in Bavaria. He also apologized for not properly saying goodbye at the pub, because it happened so fast.

On Monday I informed the Inner Circle that I was moving away. Except for Stan and Jason, I hadn't seen them in months, so I invited all of them to a send-off party on Wednesday. And I invited Ray too, who unexpectedly agreed to come, although he wasn't even in town this week. It turned out to be one of the most fun evenings. It wasn't even awkward with Nev and Neil. We were all talking and laughing. Ray asked me a lot of questions and sometimes touched my arm or something. I made him an armband from a ribbon that my farewell present was wrapped in. He pretended to hide the ribbon in his sleeve, but actually seemed upbeat about it.

At the end of the night, Ray and I waited at the train station together. Suddenly I got pretty nervous. I told myself it was going to be fine, since I'd be moving to Bavaria and forget all about Ray soon. I was prepared to leave with nothing but a nice experience. When his streetcar showed up, he went in for a goodbye hug and then looked at me standing only an inch away, which made me even more nervous. Then he smiled and disappeared. I had to sit down for a minute, because my heartbeat was racing so fast. Tell me that wasn't a clear-cut signal.

I wasn't certain if he'd mail again, but he did as soon as he got home. He mentioned that he was still wearing the ribbon around his wrist. I mean, why all of a sudden...? Didn't he say he wasn't interested? I don't understand. The next day he asked me for my phone number. Just in case of an emergency, he said. Yeah right. What's that even mean? Tell me that wasn't a pretty straight-forward signal.

JCZ's 8th anniversary

I often think about the time that my grandfather and I walked down Siping Road towards the signs of that American car company. He mentioned he wanted to visit us in Germany one last time, although we both knew it probably wasn't going to happen. I pointed to the signs in the distance and told him that he'd totally visit us again, it wasn't that far away. It was right ahead of us like the car company. He laughed and agreed. That was ten years ago. Three days ago was the 8th anniversary of his death. He never made it back to Germany. It was one of the last times we spoke. He is in a better place now, he is actually having a blast somewhere in heaven. That's the most important thing. So I'd like to thank you, grandpa, for watching out for us and making sure that we're doing okay. 

Where Rainbows End

This time it wasn't so much about bad timing. This time it was more about coming to terms with all the bad timings. And realizing that after so many bad timings over the course of 13 years, it wasn't ever going to happen. Shane and I had known each other for 16 years. We met when we were freshmen in junior high, became friends before graduating. I went on to study in the UK, while he stayed. Everytime I came home during the term breaks, we went out and had a great time. After senior high, I moved to China and he eventually started seeing his first girlfriend. He thought it'd be a great idea if the three of us went to his prom together. Actually it was quite awkward for the girlfriend and for me as well.

It didn't happen in college either, as we were in different stages of our lives and interested in different things. One of us was always in a relationship with someone else. While I dated two of the worst Asian boyfriends one could ask for, he dated like the only girl in his entire engineering class for a staggering four years. She dumped him via email and he regretted wasting four years and the passed up opportunities to go out with someone else.

During the last 2 or 3 years, I often thought about catching up with Shane and seeing if there was something there still. So we met up yesterday and it felt like seeing your best friend. We were still totally different people, but there was an unspoken understanding and connection between us. All the bickering from old times, it was like we hadn't been apart for a couple of years. We had a heartfelt conversation last night about how one of us always could picture themselves asking the other one out, but never went for it.

Back then it wasn't so much about our different hobbies and lifestyles. Back then it was more about the fear of making a great friendship very awkward. Maybe in the back of mind, I'd sort of assumed that we'd wind up together at some point, when we were ready. I guess we both assumed wrong. That chapter is closed now and I don't think that we'll get another shot at it, as we will be in our thirties soon. Someone will get married or have kids by then. We're idiots obviously. We're not Rosie Dunne and Alex Stewart obviously.

Second Chances (Pt. II)

I wouldn't call Stan a close friend. As a matter of fact, he isn't close to anyone, because he only cares about himself. He is an only child of separated parents whose lives revolve around him. Right now he is practically living off of his inheritance, although his parents aren't dead yet. My family can't understand why I'm helping him, since he seems like a lost case. I can't expect him to be grateful either, he never learned about gratitude. One day he'll find a job, get his life back on track, but he won't remember that he owes me big-time for it. He'll believe that he did it all on his own, while I was being a pain in the ass always pushing him to do things he wasn't comfortable with. Even more annoying than his mother.

Back in senior high school, Philipp and I were close friends. I did most of his coursework, but he failed his final exams anyway. Maybe people who don't want to be helped, don't deserve to receive help. To me it has never been about who is deserving and who isn't. It's not about ever getting a thank you in return, because you most likely won't. I feel like I need to help, because it would've been nice if I've had someone when I needed them. Someone who would've been there and done what I'm doing right now.

However, I haven't really had a person like that in my life, when life was tough. There used to be Alex S. and Mary, but I lost Alex early in the process. It's everyone out there fending for themselves. I'd like to know that there are more people like Alex out there helping others who need a second chance. Starting with me. It's what I have to do, even if it seems pretty pointless. My Grandpa would've been proud of me, that's all I need. All this time he's been watching over me, I can feel it. My life has been changing for the better, but I can't ever forget how I got there. It's my turn to give something back.

On the high road

When it comes to me, things rarely ever go as planned. Some people don't follow through with their plans, but I quit before I start. Although planning always turns out to be a worthwhile thing to do. Honestly, I haven't been in a good place for some time. Before I met the inner circle, I'd kind of hoped to have someone to talk to. Without getting judged or pressured. Without having to reveal anything about myself. That's not how things turned out. Things got pretty intense pretty quickly, there was no way I could've been prepared for all that. You could try to figure others out, the next minute you'd get surprised by your own actions and lack of control in certain situations. Gave them an inch, and they would take an ell. Once in a while I'd get caught up in a sentimental moment, let my guard down and soon pay the price for it. Then I wouldn't learn my lesson and make more mistakes. Now I'm facing the consequences of all the mistakes I had made so far.

It's not that I feel good about taking a break from the inner circle. Being around the inner circle makes me feel worse than taking a break right now. I don't know whom to trust. I think I can trust Stan to some extend, because he is discreet and mainly cares about himself above anyone else. I know the rest of them talk. So anything I do or say in front of one person, the rest will know within an hour. Kevin may not gossip that much, but that's because nobody confides in him and I wouldn't either. Ultimately, I don't trust myself. Ian hopes that I will be his eyes and ears in the inner circle, after he messed up big-time with Kate and Nev. Well I can't do that. I've always known this day would come, so I'd never deliberately tried to be BFFs with Kate. "Spying" on people can cut both ways. If you have to give up a piece of your own soul for it, this shit ain't worth knowing. Maybe I'm as scheming as Nev claims I am, but obviously not smart enough to keep my head down when I should. 

Second chances (Pt. I)

To some of us, first impressions mean everything. Once the mind is made up (subconsciously), there are no real second chances.

Yesterday Ems and I talked about the difficulty of asking people out on a date, which can be particularly awkward in German language. Even more awkward for an introvert girl like me, needless to say. All I wanted to know from Ems was: If I asked a person out, would that person understand that I was putting myself out there and not trying to be friends? Ems then shared some valuable advice which really surprised me. He thought I was too scared of a possible negative outcome, he matter-of-factly pointed out the three options that I got.

First, I expect to get rejected. I can try to put up an emotional wall beforehand - as high as possible - and the rejection won't affect me that much, since the person and I aren't that close anyway. Second, I expect the person to be glad I asked, whether they actually show it or not. If it doesn't work out, it's not because I did something wrong, but because they didn't deserve getting to know me and my "awesome" personality. ;) Third, I suggest something I know the person really enjoys doing and probably won't say no to, it will be more subtle and also appear less like an actual date. I knew that Ems was the right person to talk to, before we had this conversation, I just didn't know how right it was and how much I needed a conversation like this. I'd been insecure and guarded all my life, I'd never known how not to be all that. Ems finished his three options off with a nice little quote from Les Brown: "You must be willing to do the things today others won't do, in order to have the things tomorrow others won't have."

People think of Ems as some insensitive, hyperactive hip-hop rapper, who doesn't know when to stop talking and who doesn't seem to fit in. I used to believe that too, when I first met him in May. But he has changed since, he has been willing to put in some real effort. These days he is still bubbly, over the top enthusiastic and chats about weird stuff, but he is also fearless and funny and observant. There is more to him than hip-hop and weirdness, and it shows if you give him a chance. He pays attention to things that no one else would pay attention to. I have enough people in my life who moan all the time, it feels liberating to laugh for a change.

I also want to mention Kate whom I met around the same time as Ems. She wrote me a very unexpected Christmas card last week, which was so long I couldn't help expecting something very corny and cliche. But it simply said: "Last year I was going through a rough time. On the second day of the weekend we first met, I just couldn't bring myself to cheer up. And I felt like you took notice. Knowing that somebody cared, it meant the world to me." I gotta admit that I have no idea what she is talking about. I can only recall keeping the distance, so Stan could flirt with her. [They sort of started dating recently, on their second attempt.^^]

Second Chances is about a guy who managed to convince me of looking beyond the surface and giving others the benefit of a doubt, and about a girl whose words made me want to be the caring person that she thinks I am. It's a wonderful message and I hope to live up to it from now on. So thank you, Kate and Ems, for inspiring me to be better. [I'm sorry Second Chances is such a corny and cliche story, it's honest and real.^^]

Taking chances

I'm doing something unexpected. I'm asking Ray out like it's no big deal at all. To some extend it's good to know where you're at, though it might be too early and all too sudden for him. I'm not even sure what I'm hoping to achieve, but I'm asking anyway as there won't be many opportunities in the future. Maybe he is wondering how to respond without hurting my feelings. I don't have much to lose.

Right now I need to distance myself from the inner circle. I need to take a break on my own terms, with my head held high. I don't want to wait until things are damaged beyond repair. Nev and I are having some trust and boundaries issues, I can't go back to the way things were. Ray isn't exactly part of the inner circle, but Nev is practically the center of the entire crowd and involved in everything. He has been quite aggressive towards me lately, looking for reasons to argue, even in the new year.

Nobody is gonna believe that Nev The Saint is the dramatic one here, he'll make sure that everyone feels sorry for him. I really do regret that I used to help him with that. Pansy was a pain in the ass, but I shouldn't have defended him against her. She wasn't my problem after all. Always mind your own business, otherwise one day you'll get stabbed in the back not by weirdo Pansy, but by your own friends. So I'm choosing to hang out with whomever I want when I feel like it. It's now or never.

NYE tales (Part II)

So what I didn't mention earlier, Ray was also at the party. This time I decided to talk to him, didn't want to have any regrets. And tried to have a great time on NYE. :) After a few drinks we joked around while singing karaoke and setting off fireworks. Around 3am Kevin wanted to give Jason and Ray a ride home. I suggested to tag along, so I could spend more time with Ray sitting in the back seats. I got a goodbye hug initiated by him, which was enough for me. I was very careful nobody noticed anything suspicious. But he must have noticed something, it would've been quite obvious to me. Or maybe not.^^ The truth is, I am still scared of doing anything that might change things between us. It's been eight months and I'm still scared as a chicken.

NYE tales (Part I)

Christmas had been pretty great. I really enjoyed hanging out with my extended family, playing cards (the younger siblings vs. the older siblings just like old times.)

Right after the holidays I had a major fight with Nev which lasted until New Year's Eve. He called me scheming, self-serving and spineless. Why? Because I accept rides from guys that I don't consider as potential dates or friends. And Nev The Saint would "never" accept a ride home from anyone he doesn't like, because he is independent and has real integrity. After the first fight he went straight to our mutual friends, told them his version of events and cried about his worries of losing me as a friend. In turn he earned a lot of sympathy and our friends gossiped with other friends about it. 

Some people just can't help to blab. And some people are less than smart on top of it, they are basically out of control. You think I'm scheming? Well I at least think about the consequences before I talk. He apologized and admitted I didn't do anything wrong and he shouldn't have forced his own values on others. However, it wasn't the first time he called me self-serving. There is no point in changing his mind when it's already made up. Plus, once this door has been opened, there will be more fights about more pointless things in the future. He is used to fighting with his closest pals all the time, they have no boundaries. I couldn't live like that.

There was even more drama, when I made my own arrangements for the NYE party. Nev and the inner circle met at the fire station to get a ride together, it would've taken me 40 minutes just to get there. Why do I have to reject a ride from Ian or Kevin who would pick me up at my local gocery store? Actually Neville encouraged Kate to ask some dude for a ride, whom she dislikes a lot. Oh that's not spineless, because she brings her kids? Her kids are big boys, they can help her carry the stuff. I am on my own and I have hypocritical friends who judge me. Honestly, I have more urgent matters to take care of than this crap. Nev can be more of a drama queen than most of the girls and gay dudes that I know, he is a very dramatic straight guy. 

Have yourself a merry little Christmas

Post-WC depression at its worst. I haven't watched much football lately. I haven't watched a game in months to be exact. There isn't much to watch, the Bundesliga is a one-horse race, the German national team and my favorite Premier League club are each struggling to survive, struck with injury. This is the longest period in a decade that I haven't been keeping up with football. Winning the WC was a dream come true, but it also ended the anticipation of what's to come. We're not like the Spaniards, we're not in it to win it several times in a row. First and foremost, we're only slightly younger than the likes of Xavi and Iniesta, which makes us kinda too old to keep going. Second of all, we just lost captain Lahm and that already says it all. Losing a world class full back is going to bite us in the ass. Third, all the good holding midfielders are always injured, plus Toni Kroos is NOT a holding midfielder and can't pull it off on his own. Fourth, going forward we'll probably use only 3 defenders (like Bayern Munich), when 4 was already quite shaky. I just wanna close my eyes and be thankful that I had the chance to witness winning the WC, as it doesn't happen that often. Maybe in another 20 years?

Have yourself a merry little Christmas is my favorite holidays song this year, this rendition is from new country duo Dan + Shay. I guess you all know that Taylor Swift isn't country anymore. About 7 years ago she made country music modern again, it's a sad thing to see her leave for good.

A couple of days ago I ran into Ray. I was hanging out with some friends, having tea and writing Christmas cards, it was like a nice little English tradition. When Ray showed up, he went straight for the seat next to mine, but I was too nervous to talk to him. After an hour, he and some other dude took off to get drinks elsewhere. It was an epic fail on my part, but I just couldn't bring myself to change the dynamics between us. I finally understood what my buddy M meant, when he said he'd rather have people admire him from afar than get too close and hurt in the process. It might hurt a little now, but feeling anything at all feels good for a change.

Must be karma (XI)

Look, half a year ago we've been through this. Before that we've been through this as well. Recently, a few confusing texts left me even more confused and disturbed than ever. I think I finally found myself ready to let go and move on. A few of my closest friends had been total let downs, so I tried to give it another shot with Ian. Or maybe I just wanted to see if we could get past everything and be on speaking terms again. Despite of his confession that he had genuine strong feelings for me (even now), I can't help but remain suspicious. There is nothing worth saving, I can honestly say that (again) right now. Having figured that out, I am alright with how I wasn't able to save things and how everything turned out. Maybe I'm also a bit relieved we're not close anymore, as I can't possibly be keeping up appearances forever. I'd like people to think that everything is fine all the time though. I actually don't enjoy lying and being secretive, it just seems that way. It has become a second nature,

Must be karma (X)

Okay here's the deal. A lot of time passed since my last blog entry. We won the World Cup! Oh my God, it was an overwhelming tournament and a very painful farewell to Klose and Lahm, two of my all-time favorite players... (I'm gonna be grateful and sad forever.) I also achieved a few individual goals of my own. That I'm very grateful for as well.

Now that being said, everything seems to be headed towards the right direction except for some personal matters. One of them include Ian, the on-and-off friend that I can't quite forget. Well, he never really moved on either. Of course there was a reason or two why things didn't work out in the first place, and time won't change anything. He tried to reach out a couple of times, while I remained tough and all. It wasn't easy. Everybody is still hanging out together, there is no one-on-one time for Ian and I though. My friends think it was already difficult to get rid of him the first time, even mutual friends don't like the idea of working things out between the two of us. It's almost like he used to be toxic or something, or maybe I am the toxic one, or we're each other's nemesis who knows. You think your relationship with someone is complicated? Then you haven't met Ian. Nobody knows that I actually did have feelings for him, not even himself. It's better to keep it that way, he wouldn't like me that much if he knew me very well. I'm gonna get over it at some point and then most likely be embarassed about it. ;) Feels good to finally get this off my chest. :D

World Cup Squad

Goalkeepers
1) Neuer (injured), 2) Weidenfeller, 3) Zieler

Defenders
CB: 1) Mertesacker, 2) Boateng, 3) Hummels, 4) Höwedes, 5) Ginter
LB: 1) Durm, 2) Großkreutz (also RB)
RB: 2) Lahm (injured)

Midfielders
6/CDM: 1) Schweini (injured), 2) Khedira (back from long-term injury), 3) Kramer
8: 1) Kroos
10/CAM: 1) Özil
LAM: 1) Reus, 2) Schürrle, 3) Podolski, 4) Draxler
RAM: 1) Müller, 2) Götze

Strikers
9/CF: Klose (injured?)


First of all, I'm so relieved that we found ourselves a couple of "real" full backs. Center backs and CDMs had been taking turns filling the vacant position opposite to Philipp Lahm's for many years. It'd never felt quite right though. Kevin Großkreutz is a beast, he's just what we needed. Speaking of Lahm, why the hell is he injured? Why is this happening right now, he is supposed to be invincible!!

I'm not sure how we're gonna pull through without a great CDM duo. Everyone appears to be injured or not quite fit yet. Just a year ago we had Gündogan, the Bender twins, Khedira and Schweini competing for two positions. Now we're stuck with Kroos who knows a thing or two about passing and possessing, but who neither is the defensive midfielder we're looking for, nor qualifies as a bubbly playmaker.

We probably are the national team with the most attacking midfielders in the world. While other countries play with an average of 3 attacking midfielders, we managed to squeeze a total of 5 (Götze, Müller, Özil, Reus, Kroos) into our starting 11 last week. Just to keep everyone happy, you know?

We also are the national team with the least strikers in the world. It's great we got Klose, a living legend, among the team. However, he sure is injury-prone and most likely won't make it to the Euro 2016, he'll be 38 years old. (There's only one Lothar Matthäus.) Doesn't bringing in a young striker - even if he has to sit on the bench this year - sound like a reasonable idea?

I don't believe that we'll win this whole thing, maybe second runner-up once again if we're lucky. It seems like our strongest spell is already behind us and we didn't win anything back then. God of football, please be on our side this time. Löw has done a good job for a decade. After the World Cup I'm backing Klopp or Kahn to be our new coach.

There is no point

I've never been the kinda person who has taken matters into her own hands. And people hadn't been able to support me like they might have been later on. (When it's already been too late for that). I don't see it. There just isn't any point in continuing on. People never hear me say "Things aren't that fine" or anything like that. I'm the girl that always sings and dances around. It's all just an act, mainly to fool myself.

悲伤 #MH370

Our thoughts are with them everyday. Praying for the truth to come out. Too early for closure.

http://v.youku.com/v_show/id_XNjQ0Njg5NDA4.html

Must be karma (IX)

Oh hell no. I know we're friends now, but even as a friend I don't want to hear things like "As a friend and as a person you're really great! But I don't wanna get you into bed anymore.^^" Oh really? Then why are you staring at my cleavage and noticing if other guys are checking me out?

Must be karma (VIII)

The past three weeks with Ian have been more stress- than joyful. I think I'm speaking for all of us, when I say that this - all the whining and moaning and tiny steps - is going nowhere. So as he suggested to stop seeing each other, I couldn't help but be a little relieved. It saved us from a lot of drama in the future. Ian might be a cool friend and a pretty hot guy too, but extremely insecure about himself. At first I was willing to put up with it because of the level of hotness. Later we both realized that it wasn't gonna happen - probably ever. Of course I was disapppointed, I didn't expect him to be so messed up. It's too bad. Well, maybe we can still hang out sometime. Am I paying for my own sins after all? Seems like it.

Must be karma (VII)

It's one thing to tell a guy that you're not looking for a relationship. It's a whole different story to hear from him that he's not looking for one. You're not relationship material, is what he's implying. I guess I'm not that surprised. I just finally understand how it feels to get treated like a rebound. Humiliating. ^^ Karma is a bitch.

Must be karma (VI)

Ian just told me that even though he'd be home this weekend, we couldn't see each other until next weekend, because he needed some regeneration time to himself in between two business trips. He said he hoped that I'd be patient and all. Yeah, right. Like we weren't already taking it slow enough. We barely started holding hands. I'm beginning to think that this is headed nowhere. I didn't make a scene of course, but I wasn't too glad about getting stood up either. I wasn't in the mood to talk at all, for that matter. How was I supposed to react? Getting the real treatment in the early dating stages, then what about later? Not very promising to be honest. Now I got one and a half weeks to reconsider what I want from Ian and if I still want it. In the meantime, there is always going out with someone else. Don't get me wrong, Ian is hot and a real distraction. But we're not officially dating and he's not exactly standing in front of me, is he? Like L keeps saying: Out of sight, out of mind or something.

Must be karma (V)

So I did what I had to do and sort of put myself out there. I even leaned in for a good night kiss, which wasn't unusual for me, but left for emergencies and special occasions. His surprised reaction was kinda sweet. Then he drove off into the sunset... Well, not exactly. He went on a business trip.

Later when he told me that he wasn't the text-every-day kind of guy, my first thought was "is he chickening out?", but I figured that I couldn't be bothered. If I wanted to talk to someone every day, I got the girls. There was no need to ruin everything by texting all the time and having nothing to talk about in person. Seems like I'm more chill about it than expected. I wonder if I will ever fall head over heels for someone again.

Must be karma (IV)

Thanks to the advice from Nev ("Don't be a stone!") and L, I scored myself another date with Ian. I did as Nev said and showed a little affection and stuff. I hated it. It made me feel vulnerable, it was like acting. But the outcome wasn't too bad! So maybe I didn't make a complete fool of myself.

I usually don't go out with guys who have "player" written all over their forehead. He isn't my type. He is very attractive though, and I like the way he looks at me. I basically picked Ian to go out with, because he ain't my type and I don't wanna get too attached. We're both not that impressionable, so it'll be interesting to watch if feelings get involved or not. I certainly hope not. To feel alive may feel great at first, but less great if it doesn't go both ways. We don't need this sort of distraction in our lives right now, it's overrated.

Must be karma (III)

It's been baby steps so far. If we keep this up, I'm afraid it will lead to another friend zone. We went out today and talked about all kinds of stuff. It was hard for me to open up about myself and my life. But not being able to show affection was the worst thing of all. I probably messed up bigtime, because I acted like I didn't care that much. I want to kick someone in the face right now. No, it feels like I got kicked in the head and I need some painkillers. Oh my God, talking about emotions is the hardest and most uncomfortable thing! >_<' Quack quack quack boom! Bam! Tik tok! Emotion explosion! :D

Must be karma (II)

I am known for being secretive, paranoid, unimpressionable and frosty. If I tried looking into Ian's eyes it'd partially be like looking into a mirror. It'd feel like being together and being alone. It'd be like: "I think you're hot and hard to figure out, a real challenge. Don't get closer, I'm a broken and empty soul. Don't ask me any questions that others aren't supposed to ask you either. I can't really open up to anyone, I can't truthfully love someone. I don't know why I'm even trying to talk to you, some of the things you say make me angry, they also remind me of me." Is it actually good or bad that people like us deserve each other? It's the first time someone else gets me some of my own medicine. It tastes like nothing and yet so bitterly familiar.

Must be karma

He said something like: I'm working out a lot these days, all because of a girl with a cute little hat.
I went: You've been working out for years! And I haven't seen any of it.
He went on: Just wait until summer. Maybe we'll go swimming or canoeing with the rest of the guys.
I went: Right, until summer! :D
He went: Children nowadays have no patience at all. Okay, then maybe in three weeks, when I move into my new place. I would've invited you to this place today, but it's really messy.
I lied: Unlike you, I got all the time and patience in the world!

Are you kidding me??? This guy is playing me. I hate this guy... Now I want him even more. I finally found myself a worthy match. Can you believe this.

Day of truth

After celebrating New Year's Eve with the entire group and feeling rather awkward about it, I used the first day of the new year to clear things up with the guys. I told Stan that I'd changed my mind about us and considered us friendzoned. He was a little disappointed, but didn't want to lose me as a friend. I told Ian that I liked him, which he was more than surprised to hear. How the hell did he not know? Alright, maybe I did keep my thoughts to myself, but usually guys can sense something at least. If it hadn't been for Nev getting on my nerves, I probably never would've said anything to anyone. Now that everyone knows where they're at, it feels like I made the right decision. There was a lot of drama at the NYE party with other people too, I'm expecting more drama in the near future. I'm exhausted and have some sleep to catch up to. Good night! :D

Rebound

After the holidays I feel lonely for a few days. With Ian it's the other way around. He has to spend the holidays on his own and is probably relieved that Christmas is over. I haven't heard from him until yesterday. Even though I understand that he must be going through a hard time, not hearing from someone in days usually means he is not that into you. Or worse, you're just a rebound. Getting rebounded is worth less than getting friendzoned. When you're in the friend zone, he may still respect and enjoy to hang out with you (as friends). As a rebound you are nothing. I must know all about it, I almost can't remember the last meaningful relationship I had. I can be stone-cold when it comes to those things, switch off emotions like electricity. That's what Stan is experiencing right now, brushed aside overnight. But as much as I'd like to pretend the Ian thing doesn't bother me, it does a little. I'm never quite as tough as I'd like to be.

Heart of stone

Okay, it's not like Ian is my type or anything. Ian is the hot guy that probably wouldn't notice me if we were still in highschool. I can smell the trouble from a hundred miles away. Do I believe he suddenly might be interested? Possibly. Do I believe he might be the real deal? Are you kidding, certainly not. Would I go out with him if I got asked? Not entirely out of the question.

I've also been taking it extremely slow with Stan. And now I know why. I did like him from the moment we met, but what difference does it make? Do I believe he is the real deal? Most certainly not. Are his texts starting to get on my nerves already? Probably. Do I feel trapped (before anything even started)? Maybe a little. Stan is a very private person, Nev thinks I'm the only person Stan has opened up to. I don't think that's true. We may be talking all the time, but I still don't know anything significant about him. I don't think he knows what he is dealing with and how to handle what's coming. I'm not the one for Stan, that's for sure.

At no point have I lied to anyone. I've always been open about not looking for anything serious. I don't necessarily feel guilty, though I do feel like I should be. I feel like I tricked everyone, except for Nev. For a brief second I felt a little alive again, now I feel more trapped. We all wish we could fix what's broken. But the heart is stone-cold and stone won't melt.

Christmas actually

Lately I've been Christmas shopping a lot. It's easy to find nice things for the girls in my family, they all want Korean beauty products. Once you go Korean there is no going back (to western cosmetics)! ;) It's so much harder to find something for the guys in my family. My Uncle is allergic to alcohol and Asian parents don't read German books obviously. I'm almost relieved my cousin T is not in the country, but he is so vain, no doubt he'd appreciate new clothes... Next weekend my cousin N and I are going to bake cookies for our dads. Aw, Christmas is my favorite holiday in the world.

Stan told me that he got me a little something too. I don't hate the idea, but I'd rather receive nothing, as I have no idea what to get him in return. The pressure is on. We went out yesterday and it felt a lot like a date. I'm totally enjoying the taking it slow part now. And the sneaking around behind our friends' backs. It keeps the intensity up and the anticipation on. I don't know if Pansy will kill us or not (most certainly she will), I'm just trying to have a great time. She already is in a very bad mood, because Stan won't respond to her texts, which is why she calls Nev everyday to complain about it. Nev thinks being overly protective of Pansy is doing her no good.

Friendzoned (Part XII)

There are a few things that I recently noticed about Stan. Remember the first time we met, I thought "what a handsome, but arrogant guy!" Since then it happened twice that we entered a room together, but he didn't offer me the closest seat available. He just sat down, like I wasn't even there. Of course women are more independent nowadays.. Besides, thanks to Stan's behavior I got to sit with some other great guys. But still! This self-centeredness is not exactly a quality any girl is looking for in a potential partner OR friend. I'm glad that I didn't rush into anything. Writing about it makes me despise him even more, though you can't deny the crazy chemistry between us. Sometimes just the slightest touch makes it hard to breathe. Sometimes I want to beat the crap out of him. Nev says that we constantly bicker like little kids. Do I smell serious trouble?

Friendzoned (Part XI)

We texted this morning and like it was the most normal thing in the world, he just let it slip that he liked me. What the... I was totally taken by surprise. How was I supposed to react? What was I supposed to say? Was there even a question that needed an answer? I'm not entirely an ice queen, I'm just not good at expressing feelings and stuff. Exactly one of those situations I'm usually not comfortable with. That's why I pretended nothing had happened. Yes, I ignored it.