There is no point

I've never been the kinda person who has taken matters into her own hands. And people hadn't been able to support me like they might have been later on. (When it's already been too late for that). I don't see it. There just isn't any point in continuing on. People never hear me say "Things aren't that fine" or anything like that. I'm the girl that always sings and dances around. It's all just an act, mainly to fool myself.

悲伤 #MH370

Our thoughts are with them everyday. Praying for the truth to come out. Too early for closure.

http://v.youku.com/v_show/id_XNjQ0Njg5NDA4.html

Must be karma (IX)

Oh hell no. I know we're friends now, but even as a friend I don't want to hear things like "As a friend and as a person you're really great! But I don't wanna get you into bed anymore.^^" Oh really? Then why are you staring at my cleavage and noticing if other guys are checking me out?

Must be karma (VIII)

The past three weeks with Ian have been more stress- than joyful. I think I'm speaking for all of us, when I say that this - all the whining and moaning and tiny steps - is going nowhere. So as he suggested to stop seeing each other, I couldn't help but be a little relieved. It saved us from a lot of drama in the future. Ian might be a cool friend and a pretty hot guy too, but extremely insecure about himself. At first I was willing to put up with it because of the level of hotness. Later we both realized that it wasn't gonna happen - probably ever. Of course I was disapppointed, I didn't expect him to be so messed up. It's too bad. Well, maybe we can still hang out sometime. Am I paying for my own sins after all? Seems like it.

Must be karma (VII)

It's one thing to tell a guy that you're not looking for a relationship. It's a whole different story to hear from him that he's not looking for one. You're not relationship material, is what he's implying. I guess I'm not that surprised. I just finally understand how it feels to get treated like a rebound. Humiliating. ^^ Karma is a bitch.

Must be karma (VI)

Ian just told me that even though he'd be home this weekend, we couldn't see each other until next weekend, because he needed some regeneration time to himself in between two business trips. He said he hoped that I'd be patient and all. Yeah, right. Like we weren't already taking it slow enough. We barely started holding hands. I'm beginning to think that this is headed nowhere. I didn't make a scene of course, but I wasn't too glad about getting stood up either. I wasn't in the mood to talk at all, for that matter. How was I supposed to react? Getting the real treatment in the early dating stages, then what about later? Not very promising to be honest. Now I got one and a half weeks to reconsider what I want from Ian and if I still want it. In the meantime, there is always going out with someone else. Don't get me wrong, Ian is hot and a real distraction. But we're not officially dating and he's not exactly standing in front of me, is he? Like L keeps saying: Out of sight, out of mind or something.

Must be karma (V)

So I did what I had to do and sort of put myself out there. I even leaned in for a good night kiss, which wasn't unusual for me, but left for emergencies and special occasions. His surprised reaction was kinda sweet. Then he drove off into the sunset... Well, not exactly. He went on a business trip.

Later when he told me that he wasn't the text-every-day kind of guy, my first thought was "is he chickening out?", but I figured that I couldn't be bothered. If I wanted to talk to someone every day, I got the girls. There was no need to ruin everything by texting all the time and having nothing to talk about in person. Seems like I'm more chill about it than expected. I wonder if I will ever fall head over heels for someone again.

Must be karma (IV)

Thanks to the advice from Nev ("Don't be a stone!") and L, I scored myself another date with Ian. I did as Nev said and showed a little affection and stuff. I hated it. It made me feel vulnerable, it was like acting. But the outcome wasn't too bad! So maybe I didn't make a complete fool of myself.

I usually don't go out with guys who have "player" written all over their forehead. He isn't my type. He is very attractive though, and I like the way he looks at me. I basically picked Ian to go out with, because he ain't my type and I don't wanna get too attached. We're both not that impressionable, so it'll be interesting to watch if feelings get involved or not. I certainly hope not. To feel alive may feel great at first, but less great if it doesn't go both ways. We don't need this sort of distraction in our lives right now, it's overrated.

Must be karma (III)

It's been baby steps so far. If we keep this up, I'm afraid it will lead to another friend zone. We went out today and talked about all kinds of stuff. It was hard for me to open up about myself and my life. But not being able to show affection was the worst thing of all. I probably messed up bigtime, because I acted like I didn't care that much. I want to kick someone in the face right now. No, it feels like I got kicked in the head and I need some painkillers. Oh my God, talking about emotions is the hardest and most uncomfortable thing! >_<' Quack quack quack boom! Bam! Tik tok! Emotion explosion! :D

Must be karma (II)

I am known for being secretive, paranoid, unimpressionable and frosty. If I tried looking into Ian's eyes it'd partially be like looking into a mirror. It'd feel like being together and being alone. It'd be like: "I think you're hot and hard to figure out, a real challenge. Don't get closer, I'm a broken and empty soul. Don't ask me any questions that others aren't supposed to ask you either. I can't really open up to anyone, I can't truthfully love someone. I don't know why I'm even trying to talk to you, some of the things you say make me angry, they also remind me of me." Is it actually good or bad that people like us deserve each other? It's the first time someone else gets me some of my own medicine. It tastes like nothing and yet so bitterly familiar.

Must be karma

He said something like: I'm working out a lot these days, all because of a girl with a cute little hat.
I went: You've been working out for years! And I haven't seen any of it.
He went on: Just wait until summer. Maybe we'll go swimming or canoeing with the rest of the guys.
I went: Right, until summer! :D
He went: Children nowadays have no patience at all. Okay, then maybe in three weeks, when I move into my new place. I would've invited you to this place today, but it's really messy.
I lied: Unlike you, I got all the time and patience in the world!

Are you kidding me??? This guy is playing me. I hate this guy... Now I want him even more. I finally found myself a worthy match. Can you believe this.

Day of truth

After celebrating New Year's Eve with the entire group and feeling rather awkward about it, I used the first day of the new year to clear things up with the guys. I told Stan that I'd changed my mind about us and considered us friendzoned. He was a little disappointed, but didn't want to lose me as a friend. I told Ian that I liked him, which he was more than surprised to hear. How the hell did he not know? Alright, maybe I did keep my thoughts to myself, but usually guys can sense something at least. If it hadn't been for Nev getting on my nerves, I probably never would've said anything to anyone. Now that everyone knows where they're at, it feels like I made the right decision. There was a lot of drama at the NYE party with other people too, I'm expecting more drama in the near future. I'm exhausted and have some sleep to catch up to. Good night! :D

Rebound

After the holidays I feel lonely for a few days. With Ian it's the other way around. He has to spend the holidays on his own and is probably relieved that Christmas is over. I haven't heard from him until yesterday. Even though I understand that he must be going through a hard time, not hearing from someone in days usually means he is not that into you. Or worse, you're just a rebound. Getting rebounded is worth less than getting friendzoned. When you're in the friend zone, he may still respect and enjoy to hang out with you (as friends). As a rebound you are nothing. I must know all about it, I almost can't remember the last meaningful relationship I had. I can be stone-cold when it comes to those things, switch off emotions like electricity. That's what Stan is experiencing right now, brushed aside overnight. But as much as I'd like to pretend the Ian thing doesn't bother me, it does a little. I'm never quite as tough as I'd like to be.

Heart of stone

Okay, it's not like Ian is my type or anything. Ian is the hot guy that probably wouldn't notice me if we were still in highschool. I can smell the trouble from a hundred miles away. Do I believe he suddenly might be interested? Possibly. Do I believe he might be the real deal? Are you kidding, certainly not. Would I go out with him if I got asked? Not entirely out of the question.

I've also been taking it extremely slow with Stan. And now I know why. I did like him from the moment we met, but what difference does it make? Do I believe he is the real deal? Most certainly not. Are his texts starting to get on my nerves already? Probably. Do I feel trapped (before anything even started)? Maybe a little. Stan is a very private person, Nev thinks I'm the only person Stan has opened up to. I don't think that's true. We may be talking all the time, but I still don't know anything significant about him. I don't think he knows what he is dealing with and how to handle what's coming. I'm not the one for Stan, that's for sure.

At no point have I lied to anyone. I've always been open about not looking for anything serious. I don't necessarily feel guilty, though I do feel like I should be. I feel like I tricked everyone, except for Nev. For a brief second I felt a little alive again, now I feel more trapped. We all wish we could fix what's broken. But the heart is stone-cold and stone won't melt.

Christmas actually

Lately I've been Christmas shopping a lot. It's easy to find nice things for the girls in my family, they all want Korean beauty products. Once you go Korean there is no going back (to western cosmetics)! ;) It's so much harder to find something for the guys in my family. My Uncle is allergic to alcohol and Asian parents don't read German books obviously. I'm almost relieved my cousin T is not in the country, but he is so vain, no doubt he'd appreciate new clothes... Next weekend my cousin N and I are going to bake cookies for our dads. Aw, Christmas is my favorite holiday in the world.

Stan told me that he got me a little something too. I don't hate the idea, but I'd rather receive nothing, as I have no idea what to get him in return. The pressure is on. We went out yesterday and it felt a lot like a date. I'm totally enjoying the taking it slow part now. And the sneaking around behind our friends' backs. It keeps the intensity up and the anticipation on. I don't know if Pansy will kill us or not (most certainly she will), I'm just trying to have a great time. She already is in a very bad mood, because Stan won't respond to her texts, which is why she calls Nev everyday to complain about it. Nev thinks being overly protective of Pansy is doing her no good.

Friendzoned (Part XII)

There are a few things that I recently noticed about Stan. Remember the first time we met, I thought "what a handsome, but arrogant guy!" Since then it happened twice that we entered a room together, but he didn't offer me the closest seat available. He just sat down, like I wasn't even there. Of course women are more independent nowadays.. Besides, thanks to Stan's behavior I got to sit with some other great guys. But still! This self-centeredness is not exactly a quality any girl is looking for in a potential partner OR friend. I'm glad that I didn't rush into anything. Writing about it makes me despise him even more, though you can't deny the crazy chemistry between us. Sometimes just the slightest touch makes it hard to breathe. Sometimes I want to beat the crap out of him. Nev says that we constantly bicker like little kids. Do I smell serious trouble?

Friendzoned (Part XI)

We texted this morning and like it was the most normal thing in the world, he just let it slip that he liked me. What the... I was totally taken by surprise. How was I supposed to react? What was I supposed to say? Was there even a question that needed an answer? I'm not entirely an ice queen, I'm just not good at expressing feelings and stuff. Exactly one of those situations I'm usually not comfortable with. That's why I pretended nothing had happened. Yes, I ignored it.

Friendzoned (Part X)

I don't have a lot of girl friends. I'm more like one of the guys, someone who jumps up and down and yells at the TV when football is on. When Pansy came talking to me a few months ago, there was this instant connection, I just knew we would get along. That's what I thought. During the last few days, she'd been kinda distant. I didn't think about it that much, maybe she was busy.

Yesterday Stan told me that him and Pansy had gone out once a while back. Although he felt there was nothing there, she'd been hoping there'd be more than just friendship. He said he wanted to be honest with me, he also believed that she'd already accepted nothing would ever happen between them. I wasn't so sure about that. She might be over him, but she'd totally freak out again if I went out with him.

I can't say that I'm glad about this revelation. I can't even appreciate the honesty, because it changes things. I asked L for advice and this is what I got.
"Girl Code or no Girl Code?"
"As long as she hasn't told you herself, then there is no Girl Code!"
"Never heard of this rule before."
"You don't know anything. Are you supposed to read her mind or what."
"So much for becoming a girls' girl."

There is a reason why I have never dated male friends of mine before. This could get real ugly. When things get complicated, I'd rather run off. You can do that to a date, but you can't do that to your friends. Tell them, Zac Brown...

Friendzoned (Part IX)

There have been more mixed signals over the last few days, leaving me curious and unsettled. Now that I can't have it, I want it even more. This is nuts. Once you decide to break out of the friend zone, there is no going back. It's frightening. I'd like to wait until New Year's Eve at the least, because anticipation is the best part of anything and everything. I don't know what will happen afterwards, but it sure as hell won't be as exciting as right now.

[World Cup 2014] Group Stage Participants and FIFA Ranking

Group A: Brazil (11), Croatia (18), Mexico (24), Cameroon (59)
Group B: Spain (1), Netherlands (8), Chile (12), Australia (57)

Group C: Columbia (4), Greece (15), Ivory Coast (17), Japan (44)
Group D: Uruguay (6), Costa Rica (31), England (10), Italy (9)

Group E: Switzerland (7), Ecuador (22), France (21), Honduras (34)
Group F: Argentina (3), Bosnia and Herzegovina (16), Iran (49), Nigeria (33)

Group G: Germany (2), Portugal (14), Ghana (23), USA (13)
Group H: Belgium (5), Algeria (32), Russia (19), South Korea (56)


Gruppen A/B:
In Gruppe A haben Brasilien und Mexiko "Heimvorteil". Kroatien ist ein unangenehmer Gegner, aber ob sie sich auf südamerikanischem Boden durchsetzen können, ist eine andere Frage. In Gruppe B geht man davon aus, dass Spanien und die Niederlande weiterkommen. Dabei sollte man jedoch nicht missachten, dass Chile sehr starke Individualisten hat und in Südamerika zu Hause ist, und die Niederlande wiederum bei der letzten Europameisterschaft in der Gruppenphase mit 0 Punkten ausgeschieden sind. Gruppe B wird ein Kampf auf Biegen und Brechen um den ersten Platz, da keiner dem Gastgeber Brasilien bereits im Achtelfinale begegnen möchte. Auch Brasilien ist nicht zu beneiden.

Gruppe C/D:
Kolumbien ist meiner Einschätzung nach nicht stark genug, um sich als Gruppenkopf zu rechtfertigen, Uruguay hingehen schon eher. In Gruppe C ist es schwer zu bestimmen, wer neben Kolumbien weiterkommen würde. Japan hat ein dynamisches Team mit schnellen Offensivspielern, die Elfenbeinküste hat mit Didier Drogba einen Ausnahmestürmer. Gruppe D ist da weitaus interessanter. Italien wird sich wahrscheinlich als Gruppenzweiter durchmogeln, während England zum jetzigen Zeitpunkt nur Außenseiterchancen hat. Im Achtelfinale sehe ich keine besonders packenden Szenarien, um ehrlich zu sein.

Gruppe E/F:
Es ist mir ein Rätsel, wie die Schweiz es im FIFA Ranking so weit nach vorne geschafft hat, während ehemalige Weltmeister wie Frankreich und Italien weiter hinten bangen müssen. Frankreich hat mit Gruppe E jedoch ein Glückslos gezogen, die Gegner scheinen alle mittelstark. In Gruppe F hat Argentinien nicht nur für die Gruppenphase Schwein gehabt - lediglich Bosnien scheint halbwegs schwer zu besiegen - sondern auch ganz offensichtlich für das kommende Achtelfinale.

Gruppe G/H:
Deutschland und Portugal sind dafür bestimmt einander zu begegnen, so habe ich das Gefühl. Auch wenn C. Ronaldo momentan in der Form seines Lebens ist, bin ich nicht beunruhigt um den Gruppensieg. In Gruppe H befindet sich mit Belgien ein kleiner Geheimfavorit. Komplett ohne südamerikanische Beteiligung gehe ich davon aus, dass Deutschland im Achtelfinale auf Russland treffen könnte, was ein machbarer Gegner wäre. Es würde mich nicht wundern, wenn wir es im Viertelfinale schon wieder mit Argentinien zutun hätten, wie schon bei den letzten beiden Weltmeisterschaften. Jedes Mal dachte ich, es müsste ein Wunder für uns her, und es gab stets ein Wunder. Unter normalen Konditionen wären wir inzwischen die bessere Mannschaft, ob auch in Südamerika wird sich noch herausstellen.

Friendzoned (Part VIII)

It seems like I might have scared him off with my inability to express emotions and embrace them like normal people do. This was the plan, right? I wanted us to be just friends. Now I can go to the New Year's Eve party and not worry that Stan will be right there watching if other guys are hitting on me or not... It's the right thing to do, I just don't feel relieved yet. In fact, I regret it a little. I wish I could take it all back and say something like "Hey Stan, I liked you from the second I first saw you" instead. But I'm not that romantic of a person.

Friendzoned (Part VII)

Just when I was about to think that we weren't a good fit, Stan asked if we were headed towards friend zone or possibly more than that. That was one hell of a straightforward question...! I told him as honestly as possible that I would be lying if I said there was absolutely nothing there. BUT it was also bad timing. After much talking it seemed like everything was good between us, although I knew that it was going to be hard to move past it like nothing happened.

So the next day we hung out with Nev. It turned out to be the most awkward get-together ever. To make matters worse, Stan seemed tense as well. And it was his birthday.

Friendzoned (Part VI)

Winter is coming, I've been sleepless and appetiteless lately. I have this picture of myself standing alone in a crowded street at night, while heavy snow is landing on my head. Winter may already be here.

A divorced colleague of mine complains about not having a special someone in his life, not knowing what to do on a Sunday afternoon. I don't mean to be harsh, but if you feel empty when you're on your own, you aren't gonna be fulfilled when you're with someone.

I had another date-like experience with Stan yesterday. It felt like there could be something there, although nothing happened again. When I look at him right now, I don't regret taking it slow. Despite the chemistry, I still don't know anything about him. Pansy just told me that Stan wasn't gonna go out with us next weekend. I didn't ask where he would be instead. Maybe he was visiting his family, maybe he had other plans. But next weekend suddenly didn't seem fun anymore.

I know this sort of feeling, it can't be happening again. If this is a side effect of feeling alive, then I'd rather be dead inside. How hard will it be in a couple of weeks or months? It's just too hard, I can't deal with it.

Friendzoned (Part V)

The movie on Monday was so bad, I forgot to write about that dude (let's call him Stan). We were actually sat next to each other, but only spoke when the film started and when it ended. Later when all of us went home and I was looking forward to talking to him alone, this other mutual friend of ours (let's call him Nev) decided to walk with us. I mean, really?? His place was the complete other direction! My sis thought Nev's behavior was suspicious too, but what did I care? Maybe this whole Stan thing just wasn't meant to be.

The minute I got on the subway feeling defeated, I received a text - and it was from Nev! How easy and natural it is for some people to just text and say hello. That's it, I decided to send Stan a message. He texted back and asked if I wanted to see another movie on Wednesday, in English. I asked if anyone else was coming. He said there might be another girl from the group. Another girl? Fine with me. I'm not worried about other girls, I'm worried about what I'm doing. Let's be honest, do I look like the movies kinda person? I haven't been to the movies in months, now it's going to be 3 times in a fortnight.

On Tuesday, it turned out that the other girl wasn't gonna come. Stan seemed pretty excited about the movie. We texted back and forth all day. There were mixed signals, I wasn't quite sure. He mentioned that he rarely ever watched anything in English, as he only understood like 70% of it. Who in their right mind would suggest an original version then? But who am I to judge, I'm the crazy person who goes to the movies twice this week and misses the UEFA Champions League.

Wednesday night went alright, I think. I couldn't tell if this was a date or not. It was a little awkward, especially when he patted me on the back to say hi and goodbye. I could have reached out for a hug, but I didn't. Definitely taking it slow, girl, definitely taking it slow. Before you know it you're getting friend zoned. On my ride home I was a little angry with myself. Five minutes later, Stan texted to announce he got home. It kinda saved the day. He suggested that we could do it again if there was a good movie to catch. Maybe it wasn't so bad after all.

All Is Lost (2013, USA)

The movie All Is Lost (2013) copied the storyline from Life of Pi (2012, USA), leaving out the tiger and the beautiful scenery. Considering the tiger was the best part of the storyline, this movie was rather dull. Apart from a short monologue in the beginning, the main and only character Robert Redford spoke exactly 3 times. He said "SOS!", "Help!" and "Help!" or something. Pi from Life of Pi at least was smart enough to talk to himself and communicate with the tiger. In Cast Away (2000, USA ) Tom Hanks found a way to entertain us as well, despite being alone on an island for years.

While the sailboat turned over and over, the camera angle was so bad, I got seasick after 15 minutes and had to close my eyes for another 20 minutes. The audience hated the movie. Everyone thought Redford was meant to die, since he was the unluckiest fella in the world and God obviously didn't want him to survive. When all seemed lost, a mysterious hand appeared out of nowhere and rescued him from drowning. During the credits "Our man" Robert Redford was the only cast member listed. So whose hand was it then? Was it the hand of the tiger, as it wasn't worth mentioning? People say this was one hell of a performance from Robert Redford. Maybe he was good. Compared to Cast Away though, nobody can beat Tom Hanks at his craft, can they?

Friendzoned (Part IV)

Okay, we were supposed to meet up this weekend, but he informed us that he wouldn't make it. Instead he asked if a smaller group was interested in catching a movie on Monday. At first I was a bit disappointed, because I'd been thinking about make-up and clothes all day. Then I got over it really fast, because the rest of us had a great time together and I didn't need to worry about making a fool of myself.

A couple of days ago, a mututal friend passed all our phone numbers around. So we texted each other for a brief moment, but that was it. Right now, I can't even remember what his face looks like. I have no idea what to expect and I'm not as excited any more. That doesn't necessarily have to be a bad thing. Nothing can go wrong if there are no expectations, right? I usually don't get involved with friends, although it felt really tempting last week.

[International Break] Friendly Games in November

Four days ago I already ranted about our inability to ever defeat Italy. But today is a new day - solid ball possession, great defending (Wow! What just happened?!) and even scoring after a corner (OMG, this is a once-in-a-lifetime moment!). We won 0-1 with a B-side (lacking the likes of Neuer, Lahm, Schweini, Gündogan, Özil, Müller and Klose) against England's A-team at Wembley. The only regulars on the field were probably Mertesacker, Boateng, Schmelzer and Reus. I haven't been so proud of our team in a while. Why can't we be this confident when facing Italy?

It's not like our reserves are weak, we definitely have an overall strong squad. Most of them wouldn't get benched if they played for any other team in the world (Höwedes, Hummels, Kroos, Götze, Draxler, Schürrle, the Bender twins etc.) We just need to seize our opportunities and never neglect the defense. Sven & Lars Bender played 90 minutes as double CDMs for the first time ever, which was quite fun to watch. At times the TV commentators couldn't keep up any more, "Bender passing to his twin brother, the other Bender!" Roman Weidenfeller made his well deserved debut, it certainly was emotional even for someone who does not support Dortmund. All we need now is to be prepared for the South American climate, uh oh.

What else is new? Sweden didn't make it to the World Cup through Playoffs. I feel a bit sorry for them, as they played really well against us in the Qualifying Round. I guess Portugal wanted it more, C. Ronaldo's hat-trick was unbelievable. France made the impossible possible by defeating Ukraine 3-0 at home after having lost 0-2 away. You gotta respect that.

Friendzoned (Part III)

The heart wants what it wants. Or is it the hormones?

It's been a while since I've had such a hard time following through with my own rules. It's bad timing, it's personality differences, it's my own issues, most importantly it affects a new group of friends that I can't risk losing. Coming into this group, neither did I expect nor did I want to meet someone. I knew I'd mess it all up, it most certainly wouldn't be worth a shot.

But here we are now - struggling. This is the first time in a long time that I feel a little bit alive again. We have great chemistry I think. Maybe being able to hang out as friends is better than having nothing at all. By the end of next week I'll know if I'm doing the right thing. I hate to wait this long. Suddenly experiencing all kinds of confusing emotions is overwhelming, although not entirely in a bad way.

Friendzoned (Part II)

First of all: Thank God I went out tonight and didn't endure the friendly game between Italy and Germany! I had predicted a 1-1 draw, that's exactly how it turned out and I wasn't there to jump right at Coach Löw's throat through my TV. Luckily the TV survived! Coach Löw not so much though, I'm sure social media is not so forgiving. This guy will never be able to defeat Italy, everyone knows it, he must know it too.

The other good thing is, I met someone tonight. Some hottie with a great sense of humor who is a bit arrogant. Probably a little out of my league, but I was surprisingly relaxed around him and did not act like an idiot. (At least I hope so, haha.) Sometimes knowing you can just be friends helps, as you won't try too hard and everything will come naturally. Sometimes we need to keep an eye on the overall picture. Sometimes things are just not meant to be. We better accept them, as we can't go through the same heartache again.

Generals of the Yang Family

Back in the Song Dynasty, the Yangs were a legendary four-generations family of male and female war heroes. Even though I've seen tons of movies and series about them, each time there is a new one, I can't help balling my eyes out. It's like knowing the outcome, but never being able to accept how and why it happened in such a cruel way. I enjoyed watching and sobbing through Saving General Yang (HK movie, 2013), it's just that in 90 minutes they barely scratched the surface. The Yangs went on to rebuild an army just as strong led by widows and orphans. It's one of the most inspiring stories I've ever heard.